Your essential guidebook for invading Frankia, courtesy of episode 7, “The Profit and the Loss”
By
Shane Cubis

7 Apr 2016 - 12:15 PM  UPDATED 7 Apr 2016 - 12:17 PM

Use the trip there to bond with your family

It can take a while to get to Frankia, especially by longship, so use that free time to have a conversation with your companions. You never know what you might learn – perhaps your son Bjorn hates his uncle and wants to kill him. Don’t forget to praise him for being so open with you, by saying “Good” then joining him in an angry stare.

 

Enjoy some outdoor activities

Paris is famous for its cuisine and history, but there’s something to be said for sailing along the river, under a relaxing shower of Frankish arrows, as previously hidden chains are pulled up from beneath the water for a cheeky capsizing. You’ll never forget the unique scent of trebuchet-launched flaming projectiles and oil setting everything on fire around you – better than any postcard!

 

On tours, use the buddy system

Everyone should keep an eye on their own safety, of course, but it’s good to have a mate you can rely upon to fish you out of the water when you fall in. Don’t forget to repay the favour – a good way to say thank you is to have a highly detailed sexual vision about his wife later on. No need to tell him, though.

 

Be aware that the weather can change without warning

Conditions will be very different to what you’re used to at home, so dress for the unexpected. This might mean packing an extra scarf or simply ensuring your shieldmaidens have gumboots on when their ill-planned flanking manoeuvre runs afoul of a massive marshland, allowing them to be picked off with ease by Frankish archers.

 

Make sure your home is secure while you’re away

Burglars are always keeping an eye out for empty homes to raid for precious goods. Likewise, crazy sex-machines who think they’re gods are always on the hunt for women whose husbands have gone away. Turn your back for a second and they’ll be prophesising future children before dropping pants to ankles.

 

Have your travel insurance up to date

You never know when you’ll be struck down by food poisoning, twist your ankle during a country amble or – as in the case of poor Helga – be brutally attacked by Frankish warriors while your fighters are off losing their own battle. It’s a classic story, and you can’t rely on the Kattegat Consulate to pay your hospital bills or arrange funerals for all the other women, old men and boys slaughtered around you.

 

Learn the drug laws – crucial medicines may not be available to you

You don’t want to get in trouble for bringing in drugs that are illegal here. Similarly, you don’t want to run out of hallucinogenic medicines that aren’t for sale in Parisian chemists, forcing you to toss the tent of your Chinese kinda-slave herbalist woman to find a dose.

 

For a truly successful trip, learn the local customs and language

Parisians appreciate visitors who go to the effort to at least try to speak their language. For an even better reception, dress in their ridiculous outfits, marry one of their women and take part in their vicious battle against your countrymen.

 

Know when it’s time to go home

We all think we want holidays to go on forever, but there’s such a thing as staying too long – yes, even in the City of Love! When your insatiably tireless son is badgering you for the next set of family-fun activities, there’s no shame in telling him, “Tomorrow we retreat!”

 

And keep your head

Even if it’s a severed one you consult in your tent.

 

The new series of Vikings continues Wednesdays at 9:30pm (AEST) on SBS. Every episode will be on SBS On Demand after it airs.

Missed episode 7? Watch it right here:

Invade the Vikings home page.