If there’s anything I enjoy more than watching Adam Ruins Everything it’s candy. Chocolate to be specific. Give me a mild, a dark, a milk, a white, a peanut covered, I don’t care, as long as it comes from a cacao tree. I’d rather eat chocolate cake than steak, and I usually do. My weight problem aside, I am strong, smart and very petty.
So when the basket of chocolate bunnies I had been saving since Easter was stolen, everyone was a suspect. Thankfully, this week’s episode of Adam Ruins Everything was dedicated to exposing forensic science for the crock it truly is – and it inspired me to get to the bottom of “The Curious Case of the Missing Chocolate Easter Bunnies”.
1. Polygraph tests are unreliable – but not the way I use them
Adam showed us that cops use polygraphs, not to see who is telling the truth, but to induce a confession from a perp because he/she *believes a polygraph is infallible. It’s not. Truth is, truthful people can fail polygraphs just as easily as liars can pass them. It’s about demeanour. If you’re chill, you can easily ace the machine.
My poly is state of the art. Or at least I made my chubby 10 year old suspect “Billy” think it was. It’s actually an art project - a typewriter fused with a laptop - but Billy didn’t know that. For every question, I looked for irregularities. Darting of the eyes, flop sweat, heavy breathing - all of which Billy did.
2. How do you interrogate a 10 year old chocolate thief? It doesn’t matter because our own memories can’t be trusted
While I interrogated my top 5 suspects, I kept one eye on Billy. That’s the bias of the process. Little Billy the bunny thief was my perp whether he did it or not. People were getting upset that I couldn’t “get over” my “silly obsession” and I was “making children cry”, but there was a bigger picture here. Namely how to get to the truth and get Billy to confess.
So I asked a leading question: “What song was playing on the radio when you stole my chocolate bunnies?”
He said, “I don’t know, you’re not my dad”.
Boom, I had him.
3. Fingerprint evidence is not infallible – even chocolate ones
I took this into account when I found a juice cup with a chocolate fingerprint on it. The juice was orange, yet the ring around Billy’s mouth was purple. As much as I hated to admit it, Billy was innocent.
My new suspect was Roxanne, the pig-tailed kid who had been chugging orange soda like it was going out of style. You see, that’s how real forensics work gets done. Not by following your gut, but by following logic. I told Billy to get out of my face. It was Roxanne who I would attack with my stink eye now.
4. You can’t enhance video footage resolution – but was that Roxanne eating my bunnies?!
Once I had everyone’s smart phones, I started looking through videos taken at the Easter party. That’s when I found it: Roxanne eating chocolate like a lion burying its snout in an antelope.
I tried to enhance the picture like they do on forensics shows like CSI, but the idea of enhancing someone’s image until you can see nose hairs is just not possible because cameras have limited resolution. Despite that, I still exposed the truth and saw what Roxanne was eating... it wasn’t a chocolate bunny. It was a plain old chocolate bar. Fate had made a fool of me... The perp was still out there.
5. The scientific method sets me free… from the bathroom where I’ve locked myself in
It got to the point where people were yelling at me, angry that I had locked myself in the bathroom and refused to come out until the thief confessed. So I decided to try things Adam’s way and used a little thing called “science”. I checked my blood sugar, as I do every fortnight or when there’s a full moon.
My blood sugar was through the roof. I also found a giant ball of gold chocolate bunny foil in my bum bag.
I was the perp.
The perp was I.
Eating 6 kilos of chocolate put me in a coma and I blacked out. Billy and Roxanne were innocent victims of my mind’s attempt at fabricating a story for myself.
Actually most everyone at the party was a victim because I had also disabled the toilets to keep anyone from flushing evidence.
And case closed.
DISCLAIMER: Frank Ponderosa is not a real person. He's made up. And yet, his passion for SBS programming is as real and alive as you or me.
Watch Adam Ruins Everything on Thursdays at 8:00pm (AEST) on SBS 2 and SBS On Demand. Watch "Adam Ruins Forensic Science" right here: