To many, Jay Z once had the face of a friendly dinosaur. Unfortunately, those numbers have dwindled over the last few days.
As we are all well aware, Queen Bey dropped a mixed-media bombshell on her fans entitled Lemonade—an album and short(ish) film about her mogul hubby alleged affair.
But who is ‘Becky with the good hair’? Let’s investigate.
Rachael Ray? Really?
Well, no. The US Brunch Queen and Food Network star was confused with Rachael Roy, but that didn’t stop the Beyhive of Twitter from offering thoughtful commentary.
Here’s one from a user with the ominous handle – James:
And here’s one from a user with an equally unsettling handle – Bart:
And then of course, good old Kiva the Yemeni Kiwi:
The fact that most of these quotes are from men who seem to have forgotten Jay Z’s part in the whole thing means absolutely nothing. Stop being mean to me because I’m a man too.
If it matters, which to many it doesn’t, Rachael Ray was too busy playing dominoes with her bestselling cookbooks for Jay’s ingredients to even enter her mind, let alone her womanhood, and the only infidelity of which she’s guilty (as far as we know) is seeing a spatula behind her husband’s back, or cheating on a quiche with a flan.
On a positive note – this ludicrous case of mistaken identity might see the global colonisation of Ray’s already massive US-based popularity.
Rachel Roy – The Friendly Fashionista
Allegedly, the fashion designer boasts close links to the Z, and hinted through the now-removed Instagram post that she was the Becky in question. The post was open to interpretation, and easily read as a confession.
Various upstarting media sites jumped on the chance to reveal Roy for the piece of nothing she is:
And here’s Sunny Metaphysical, who took a break from living up to his surname with this cutting quip:
Naturally, the backseat insults and threats have wounded the mother-of-one, and she has since insisted the online armies attacked over a misunderstanding:
"I want to put the speculation and rumors to rest. My Instagram post was meant to be fun and lighthearted, it was misunderstood as something other than that," Roy tells ET in a statement. "There is no validity to the idea that the song references me personally. There is no truth to the rumors."
All right. But what about Rita Ora?
Little do many know, the authorities caught Lee Harvey Oswald when they saw his undergarments contained an image of a grassy knoll. So when Ora, that British pop star with actual pipes, sent a Snapchat while wearing a bra printed with a large lemon on each cup, the media told me that it she was DEFINITELY the one that fudged everything up for fudging everyone.
Whoever this Becky might be, remember: it’s not Jay Z’s fault.
Thank goodness all of these accusations are falling squarely on the women who may or may not be involved and not the man. They are the parties worthy of scorn, and even pure hatred, as they cruelly tempted poor Z’s natural instincts as a male.
If it weren’t for these pesky, sexy women, then Jay Z’s life wouldn’t be in such disarray. After all, he is an impartial witness to whatever his downstairs parts decide to do.
Of course, his downstairs parts may have done nothing. Since all of this kicked off, Beyonce dedicated a song to her "beautiful husband" at a concert and there's been speculation all of this was some sort of marketing ploy.
Either way, here's the Lemonade trailer.