In celebration of Mother’s Day, we’ve strung together some words of wisdom from matriarchs of the small screen.
Alex Torres

6 May 2016 - 3:08 PM  UPDATED 6 May 2016 - 6:49 PM

“Can you imagine squeezing a lemon out of your penis hole? So much pain. This is why kids should always thank their mummies on their birthdays.”

“The ozone diet. It's the only way! It's taking Hollywood by storm, Kim. Everybody's on it: Madonna Penn Ritchie, Jennifer Pitt Aniston, Courteney Loves Cox.”

"The way I see it, if you can raise three kids who can knock out and hogtie a perfect stranger, you must be doing something right."

“No one wants to kiss a girl in black.”

“Just because a man’s in a wheelchair doesn’t mean he can’t satisfy a woman.”

“A Bundy never wins, but a Bundy never quits!”

“I'm not surprised Deirdre left you. I wouldn't want to be married to a winging little weaky.”

“I don’t criticise you. And if you’re worried about criticism, sometimes a diet is the best defence.”

“The poncho by itself is fine. The poncho plus the flute plus the stupid dance… My son will die a virgin.”

“Next time someone yells in your face profanity, cooly and calmly say, ‘Calm down, dear.’ It boosts your self-esteem.”

"Everyone who isn’t us is an enemy."

“Go bang your head against the wall.”


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