In celebration of Mother’s Day, we’ve strung together some words of wisdom from matriarchs of the small screen.
By
Alex Torres

6 May 2016 - 3:08 PM  UPDATED 6 May 2016 - 6:49 PM

“Can you imagine squeezing a lemon out of your penis hole? So much pain. This is why kids should always thank their mummies on their birthdays.”

“The ozone diet. It's the only way! It's taking Hollywood by storm, Kim. Everybody's on it: Madonna Penn Ritchie, Jennifer Pitt Aniston, Courteney Loves Cox.”

"The way I see it, if you can raise three kids who can knock out and hogtie a perfect stranger, you must be doing something right."

“No one wants to kiss a girl in black.”

“Just because a man’s in a wheelchair doesn’t mean he can’t satisfy a woman.”

“A Bundy never wins, but a Bundy never quits!”

“I'm not surprised Deirdre left you. I wouldn't want to be married to a winging little weaky.”

“I don’t criticise you. And if you’re worried about criticism, sometimes a diet is the best defence.”

“The poncho by itself is fine. The poncho plus the flute plus the stupid dance… My son will die a virgin.”

“Next time someone yells in your face profanity, cooly and calmly say, ‘Calm down, dear.’ It boosts your self-esteem.”

"Everyone who isn’t us is an enemy."

“Go bang your head against the wall.”

MORE ON THE GUIDE:

The top 10 thieves on TV
They’re not necessarily the most skilled at their “job”, but these characters have stolen more than their fair share of screen time.
12 elaborate Easter eggs hidden within classic TV shows
Finding an overlooked aspect to one of your favourite shows is a handy excuse to rewatch the whole bloody series for the seventh time. Here’s are some of the hidden layers and buried treasures beneath classic TV shows.
13 reality TV moments the producers of UnREAL would be proud of
You think the stuff the producers get up to UnREAL is far-fetched? You might want to think again after recalling these real-life reality TV moments...
The 10 best TV shows of 2015
Plus! The 10 best TV episodes and performances of the year.