If you’re anything like me, then you eat food. And if you have a family, then chances are they’re into the same thing. Life is about enjoying your meals, not just eating while standing over the sink because your wife left you and your kids are now calling her boyfriend “daddy”.
No, food is meant to be enjoyed, and what better way to enjoy a meal of food than at a restaurant. But be warned: watching this episode of Adam Ruins Everything, now available on SBS On Demand, may do just that, so you may want to go with the blue pill for this one.
1. It's okay to tip almost nothing
Tipping is a form of bribery - a remnant of the prohibition era where restaurants couldn’t afford to pay their waiters anymore, so we picked up the tab. I enjoy frequenting the same restaurant every week, and ever since I learnt that it’s the restaurant owner who’s the jerk for not paying the server a living wage, I decided to show solidarity by not tipping my usual eight percent. Sure, I get ignored just the same, and the food comes back tasting funny, but if I don’t take one for the team, who will?
2. Craft beer is just dish water bottled by giant corporations
OK, so maybe not all beer is, but you should always read the label to be sure. I found out my favorite Mexican beer is actually bottled in New York. Riddle me this: how am I supposed to feel festive knowing the person who made my beer was most likely a lonely middle aged man still living with his mother in Staten Island? Does that make you want to yell out “fiesta” on Cinco de Mayo? I’m not sure. But I have learnt these are things no one at a bar at 10 in the morning are particularly interested in hearing about.
3. No one knows anything about wine, and if you think they do you are drunk
What one “wine expert” might think is an exquisite bottle of Bordeaux could actually be last night’s gazpacho filtered through a sock. There’s no objective truth to what “tastes best”. I put Adam’s theory through the test when I bought the classy lady across from me a $300 glass of red, but told the bartender to tell her it was cheap table wine. She took it the wrong way and left. The takeaway here is just drink what you like and ignore all the snobs. Also, could someone please loan me $300?
4. Salmon is the colour of lies
When I heard this story, I immediately demanded to speak to a chef. Any chef. The cashier at the frozen yogurt place didn’t seem to realise that wild salmon is pink because of the krill it eats (same reason flamingoes are). To counteract this, salmon farmers feed their salmon pink kibble to alter its naturally mud-grey hue. Also, farmed salmon might be inbred! Think about the banjo solo from Deliverance next time you’re ordering. I know. An ugly truth loaded with omega 3s.
5. Never order dessert at a restaurant. Read below to know why
OK, that last one was just click bait. Desserts at restaurants are fine. Personally I prefer going somewhere else. Ice cream shop, donut shop, my date’s apartment... am I right, fellas? When you consider how weird the concept of going out to eat at a restaurant is, you appreciate the people who work in them. Everyone is just trying to make a living by making you feel like you’re royalty for an hour or two. Just enjoy the experience. And try to avoid bringing your own soup from home - the waiters will just look at you funny.
DISCLAIMER: Frank Ponderosa is not a real person. He's made up. And yet, his passion for SBS programming is as real and alive as you or me.
Watch the entire first season of Adams Ruins Everything on SBS On Demand.
Missed the "Restaurants" episode? Watch it right here: