Not sure what to watch? Read this column. Tired of watching the same stuff and looking for something new? Read this column. Think you’re better than me? Read this column.
Journey through time and violence with 1864: Denmark’s War
Finally, a show with a title that’s self-explanatory.
Wait, I have some jokes prepared!
Don’t need ’em. This is obviously a dramatic series about the Second Schleswig War, with... I’m guessing eight episodes. What would the emotional core be?
It’s about two --
Don’t tell me! Two brothers, called up to serve in the bloodiest battle in Denmark’s history? I’m right, aren’t I!
But... all my research! I had some hot zingers about Saxe-Lauenburg and how Prussia was really the loser here because --
It’s cool. You can tell me about the next show.
Mohawk Girls is not about women with awesome hair
I’m so sick of these reality shows set in hair salons. Who cares?
Ha! Now I am back to being the master of all televisual knowledge, and you’re back to being the fool in my royal court.
Oh! I know this one! It’s based on Tracey Deer’s documentary.
Here I am, atop my throne of palladium and malachite, remote control carved from a Rigellian asteroid as I dispense wisdom on demand.
That’s right, it’s about Native American women trying to stay true to their roots while also wanting to get laid. Sounds funny!
OK, I need you to stop looking in my Tome of Guided Viewing.
Plastic Galaxy: The Story of Star Wars Toys will let you get mad at your mum
I totally had this giant Darth Vader helmet that you could keep all the action figures in – worth a fortune now – and my mother gave it to this kid I didn’t even like that much!
It’s a universal story, my friend. And this documentary film about how Star Wars transformed the toy industry will do very little to soothe your pain.
Could I have been a millionaire? A multi-millionaire?
Probably not, but you could have been part of the collectors’ community featured here, along with designers from Kenner, experts and authors.
I’m gonna watch it. But if I see that snot-nosed kid driving a Mercedes...
Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives gives you plenty of opportunities to watch Guy Fieri eat
Hasn’t this show been going for like 20 seasons?
Twenty-three, actually. But there’s something endlessly engaging about Guy Fieri. He’s the guy who always brings bourbon to a party, insists on manning the barbecue and asks “What’s this rubbish?” if you play anything other than the Screaming Jets.
What an alarmingly accurate description. OK, what are we watching the big guy eat?
This week, we’re talking “Homeland Favourites”. Mexican tacos, Greek lamb, Southern shrimp and grits...
Is any of it good for Guy’s heart?
Not a mouthful.
Armada: 12 Days to Save England wraps up a gripping three-parter
That description’s a bit more market-y than your usual unprofessionalism. What’s going on?
It’s just a real tour de force that will have you on the edge of your seat as you learn about some newly discovered documents that reveal a remarkable web of misunderstandings that --
Is that a press release in your hand?
Give it to me. Ooh, this actually looks good. It’s about how Queen Elizabeth I built her reputation on stopping the Spanish from invading in 1588. And it’s hosted by Dan Snow!
Really? That sounds awesome! I mean... yes. The Betoota Advocate gave it five stars, calling it “the ideal melange of recreation, CGI and modern-day yachting”.