You can't just roll out the keg and hope for the best. There are rules.
By
Jeremy Cassar

3 Aug 2016 - 1:33 PM  UPDATED 8 Aug 2016 - 2:50 PM

Dearest local publication,

The Sun King has heard your request to hold an interview on his upcoming soiree. While Louis is far too busy to entertain such tabloid drivel, he has gone to the trouble of dictating a few of his less-coveted party tips, which I in turn transcribed for your readers.

From my perspective, you cannot reduce the King’s signature sense of style and spectacle to a mere list, but as that’s the place journalism seems to sit right now, I guess there’s not much we can do about it.

Luckily, humans evolve and these oversimplified lists won’t last through to the 1800s.

Love and stern looks,

Bontemps, personal aid to his Highness.

 

Above all, a party is a means to assert one’s grandiosity. We, as Frenchmen and women, should speak to celebration with the same voice as we do war - loudly and with an echo that never fades.

 

No frills? No bows? No entry. Not only must frills and bows line the furnishings and decorations, but the extremities of every attendee’s outfit must flare out into a demure frill or tie off with a boisterous bow.

 

Bring ulterior motives and hidden agendas, because no party comes alive until various machinations come to light.

 

Make sure to have surreal hallucinations. The King is prone to the occasional disassociation from reality so everyone must feign a complex interaction with a haunting apparition at various points during the evening.

 

The King will not stand for an absence of pyrotechnics.

 

There's a door prize for silkiest locks - which always goes to the King. Anyone who claims the competition is rigged will be executed on the spot.

 

Sexual intercourse is de rigueur. The King sets aside 73 spare rooms for hook-ups or one-nighters.

 

NO BABIES.

 

Whether dancing or sitting down, alcohol must be consumed constantly.

 

If your name is Louis (or Louie, Louisa or Louise), you need to change your name to something else.

 

Bring your swimmers!

 

Watch Versailles each week from Thursday, 25 August at 9.30pm (AEST) on SBS.

After they air, all episodes will be available on SBS On Demand.

Catch a sneak peek of the first episode right here:

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