If you’ve ever played "desert island movie/album/TV show/companion", you would know that picking something you love over something else that you love equally is painful and wrong. But this would have been Noah's challenge when choosing which animals to take with him on his ark. (Incidentally, new details of the religious tale are brought to light in the SBS documentary The Real Noah's Ark.)
Not that I disagree with his choices - and it's slightly unclear which animals he allowed on board - but these are the animals I would have taken:
[Note: Insects and arachnids are not included in this list, as we assume they’d all hitch a ride on an animal’s hide anyway.]
Who would want to live in a world without dogs? Considering that only a handful of humans survived the great flood, man (and woman) will experience a lapse in affection and loyalty, and what else to fill that void but man (and woman’s) best friend.
Perhaps the most ridiculed of all animals, even more than its actual pest of a cousin – the pigeon. Yes, this garbage-loving oddity with a roman beak is the only bird that makes the cut.
As the tortoise would never make it to the ark off its own steam, you wouldn’t expect it to make the cut, which is why we’d love to see the satisfied surprise on its little mug when it’s picked up and taken to safety.
The mountain goat
Mountain goats are not only the most entertaining and death-defying animals on Earth. And you wouldn’t have to worry about herding a couple onto the ark, as surely they'd just appear on the roof.
Cows are overdue for a bit of true love. And we'll need milk on my ark.
The water buffalo
One word: strength. Sure, other animals might boast more muscle, but these beasts will charge horns-first at predators of any size, shape, or demeanour.
In my new world, the tiger will shed its reputation for being dangerous and become friendly. But we'll bring lots of tranquilisers just in case.
The koala bear
The koala has no purpose but to sleep in a tree, stoned off its mind on eucalyptus. We need this guy on a long trip just for his stories.
Okay, so sloths are as, if not more lazy than koala bears, but look at it! Just look at it! It’s like something out of Jim Henson. You try telling that thing to stay behind and drown.
Considering 100 per cent of the Earth is about to be water, we should probably fill it with at least one sea creature. Beyond that, it tastes pretty good.
The Angora rabbit
Hah. Look at the fluff. So much fluff. We can’t tell if we want to cuddle or scrub our back with it. You’re really going to veto an animal that could easily double up as a pillow?
I just think they're cool.
The Real Noah’s Ark premieres on Sunday, 28 August at 7:30pm (AEST) on SBS. After broadcast, it will be available on SBS On Demand.