• Not even a scratch behind the ear could calm this tension. (Getty)Source: Getty
Dogs vs cats is the war that is millennia old and unlikely to be resolved in our lifetime. Instead we can only sit back and watch each battle with astonishment.
By
Jeremy Cassar

8 Nov 2016 - 3:13 PM  UPDATED 9 Nov 2016 - 9:47 AM

Two obsessions have taken hold at the SBS offices this week: Supervet and the US presidential debate. It was only natural that we would cross the streams and consider the political ambitions of our beloved pets.

Would a cat make for a better President of the United States than a dog?

IMPORTANT: This ain’t no cat-lover vs dog-lover thang, as I’m a total dog perv and premature dog gentleman (equivalent of cat lady??) and therefore do not take this compelling hypothetical lightly.

And—sorry to the ghosts of Lulu and Malkovich, and to the currently very alive spirit of Zobe my little fluffy mutt-ess—I would still vote for Candidate Cat.

Here’s why.

Candidate Cat is less impressionable

While both Candidate Dog and Candidate Cat would stress a return to embracing the basic tools we need to survive, such as food, food, and exercise in the park, it’s Candidate Dog that would grow confused when trying to appease on all fronts — wagging its tail at things it never meant to wag its tail at, then having the press secretary clean up its business.

Candidate Cat might need a lesson or two in diplomacy, but you know for a fact they aren’t going to make a decision or push an agenda unless they really feel it necessary. Come to think of it, Candidate Cat would have to be as well-trained as a cat candidate can be, and if you think that’s impossible, I point you towards Keanu.

Candidate Cat is more worldly

Undoubtedly, Candidate Dog will come to the campaign with decent policies on the global stage, it should be noted that it perceives the global stage to be the area between its owners house and the park.

Ensuring that owner Terry brushes his teeth or that other owner Regan eats a few of those happy biscuits out of the little white bottle are both important issues, but not as pressing as say, Global Warming.

As Candidate Cat isn’t even remotely clingy for more then five minutes a day, it has explored more of what’s out there. It’s eaten with a more diverse array of people and even managed to sneak into the odd backroom illuminati meeting while its members remained none the wise. It can sleep odd hours and function for weeks, or even months away from home.

Purrr-fect if you ask me, which you wouldn’t due to the whole Purrr-fect thing.

Candidate Cat policies

Candidate Cat will believe in:

Banning all American’s from owning a gun: because if the President of the United States of America can’t physically fire a gun, nobody can.

Being pro-choice: because not only is a cat’s coat a cat’s coat, but because even feral cats agree that something needs to be done about the feral cat situation.

Being pro-immigration: it’s just another word for ‘stray’.

Being conscious of intersexuality: because everyone’s seen the vast array of felines in the musical Cats.

Being conscious of sexual harassment: by restoring a bit of class and self-respect to the American public, no-one will ever go after someone that doesn’t want them, ever again.

The Sit On Face Amendment: Cats, and only cats, are allowed to sit on anyone’s face at any time. This is never sexual and obviously a sign of affection and a few assholes aren’t going to ruin cats for everyone.

The Universal Digestive Release Act: While poo'ing and pee’ing anywhere might be high up on the agenda, the Act unfortunately wouldn’t get through, as you’d lose the human-pandering dog vote, (as well as the parroting parrot vote).

Lower income tax for the middle class: Most pet owners are middle-class, and less tax means more money spent on cat food. Also, tax has absolutely nothing to do with cats, so who gives a disinterested waddle about tax?

The Canine/Feline Unification Treaty: Here, we’ll learn that humans have created the divide in their heads.

Candidate Dog policies

Candidate Dog will believe in:

Food: No act, no treaty, no social issue. Just the word food.

Walk: When, now? Hang on, I just gotta run around in circles a few hundred times. Wait. Oh, we’re going now?

Good boy/girl: Intersex? Is that a flea-killing tablet? I can taste that stuff, you know.

Woof You heard the candidate. It’s impolite to question them when they’ve been quite clear. They said Woof.

All sides need de-worming

In the end, wouldn’t we all prefer to live in a world where the general canine public could openly support Candidate Cat without reprisal from the dog (or dog-lover) community? 

FINAL BALLOT RESULT

Candidate Cat wins....by a whisker.

Sorry.

To get your mind off the weight of this topic, maybe divert your attention with the US Presidential election coverage from 12:55pm on SBS on 9 November. Or watch The Supervet on SBS On Demand: 

 

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