The pie. Selected ingredients combined and placed inside a shallow bucket of pastry, baked to a golden crisp. A meal so inviting it allegedly only lasts a few minutes when placed on a window sill, before falling to theft.
Hang on and back up a little. Why are we so quick to trust a pie? They’re the Trojan horse of casual eating, and you never know what lies within until you stick something inside it.
On Heston's Great British Food, Heston devotes a full episode to the pie. While Heston's pies will undoubtedly offer a transcendent experience, not all experimental pies can offer the same.
Here are some of the boldest pies we've encountered:
1. Candied Peppers pie
Perhaps it’s my imagination’s fault, but I can’t fathom how a candied capsicum could taste like anything other than capsicum and sugar, so to add chocolate and puff pastry to the kerfuffle seems almost passive aggressive.
It’s not difficult to get my mouth watering, especially when I skip lunch like today, but with this here pie the reverse is true and its only drying out.
2. Avocado pie
At least this pie doesn’t have anything to hide, which is a plus considering the above is a slab of fluffy guacamole. Once again, perhaps the thing tastes half-decent, but it’s nowhere near window sill territory.
3. Dorito and Onion pie
You could cite bias here, as I am not a fan of Dorito in standalone chip form, let alone with dip or mixed with onion and sour cream and baked into a pie. To make matters more heinous, the inventor of this dish enforces a zig-zag of ranch dressing atop the pie’s crust. Must really make the pie sing.
4. Fruit Bat Pie
Sourcing a photo of the infamous Fruit Bat pie proved impossible, so we included a picture of its soupy cousin, which is basically the same thing except sans pastry. Apparently, Fruit Bat is actually rather tasty, but we can’t imagine anyone would toss the thing into the pastry shell, nose-to-tail.
5. Tuna and Jell-o
These culinary pioneers didn’t even bother to come up with an edible sounding name for their pie, and obviously have no concern for the state of our stomachs. Combining two foodstuffs that are both in the have-to-be-in-the-right-mood camp is just plain masochistic, and the final product is one big vessel of gelatinous hell.
6. Vinegar pie
The source of this version of Vinegar pie swears that it’s truly tastier than it sounds, but the fact that the main ingredient of the pie is the lethal-tasting apple cider vinegar suggests it’d make our eyes, rather than our mouths, water.
7. Organ meat pie
I can handle a bit of offal; even enjoy it, but when animal organs are indiscriminately combined and mixed with vegetables to make a pie filling, the results are just too overwhelming.
Oh, and by overwhelming I’m referring to the fact that the kidney’s gave this dish a strong ‘pee’ flavor. Yes, pee as in urine.
8. Black & Gold Meat Pie (microwaved)
Microwave the living daylights out of a no-frills pie and eat it quick you could end up with an edible meal, but chances are one quadrant will remain under-heated or the mystery meats will contain a chunk of un-chewable fat (or sinew, or cartilage, or whatever else wouldn’t turn to mush) the size of a large marble.
Lose thirty seconds in this process and the pie will transform into a cold slab of compressed beef-flavoured shoelaces.
9. Trumpkin pie
In what is obviously the news story of the year, a Detroit bakery decided to capitalise on the fact that Trump rhymes with the first syllable of ‘pumpkin’.
So too did these flour-heads draw the comparison between the colour of a pumpkin and the general face/hair colour of the President elect.
The resulting product is as shamelessly kitschy as Trump’s penthouse apartment.
Heston’s Great British Food’s episode on pies airs tonight at 7:30PM on SBS.