• Finally, faces on TV you can trust. (SBS VICELAND)Source: SBS VICELAND
The more you watch Desus and Mero, the more you realise that they have the answers to all of life's most important questions.
By
James Mitchell

6 Feb 2017 - 12:39 PM  UPDATED 6 Feb 2017 - 12:45 PM

Desus & Mero have some winning life lessons to share on their talk show - teachings you are unlikely to hear or see anywhere else. Here are ten of their best.

Your dog has a “Memento movie” of you having sex

People who have sex in front of their dogs beware.

Mero: “Dogs have an episodic memory which means they remember mundane sh*t. So basically your dog has a Memento movie in his head of you having sex. Think about that the next time you pull your dick out in front of your dog.”

How to make a bear bong

Guest Abdullah Saeed, host of Viceland’s Bong Appétit and a “MacGyver” of bong making, teaches Desus and Mero how to make a bong out of the stuffed bear that appears behind them on the set.

Abdullah: “You poke a hole in one end of it, out through the other”

Desus: “Where would you want us to pack the weed, in the butt or the mouth?

Abdullah: “You’d probably want to put the weed in the mouth.”

Desus: “So we just have to put our lips on the anus?”

Abdullah: “Pout them and make perfect butthole lips.”

Desus: “Make the Donald Trump face.”

And there you have it.

Meryl Streep will be in Passion of The Christ 2

Desus and Mero review the fallout of Meryl Streep’s incendiary Golden Globes speech, particularly THAT surly reaction shot of Mel Gibson and Vince Vaughn.

The pair jest that Gibson is thinking of casting Streep in The Passion of the Christ 2: “I’m going to have Jesus bash the shit out of Meryl Streep.”

Ouch.

Good people don’t smoke marijuana

That’s according to anti-marijuana crusader Attorney General-designate Senator Jeff Sessions who made the claim at a Senate drug hearing in April 2016.

Desus and Mero are understandably perplexed by his hypocrisy raising the allegation that Senator Sessions once said he thought the Ku Klux Klan “was O.K. until I found out they smoked pot.”

Swings and roundabouts…

How to do the ‘Subway Sandwich’

We must point out here the on screen disclaimer that “Viceland does not endorse leaping over train tracks.”

But Mero’s happy to tell you how it’s done after some hilarious footage of a bored woman face planting on, and bouncing off, the other side of the tracks after she attempts a jump.

Mero: I’ve done this twice. You jump off the edge, you’ve gotta launch yourself off the edge of that sh*t. Also, you have to be 150 pounds and be high on angel dust. I was high and jumped on that sh*t and landed in the next station.”

Mr. Clean is a real turn on

The latest Superbowl commercial for cleaning line Mr. Clean gets down and dirty and it hasn’t gone unnoticed with our hosts.

The ad sees a (white) wife imagining that her cleaning (white) husband is a computer generated rendering of Mr. Clean as a buff, seductive and very suggestive (white) grandpa.

Juices flowing right there.

White people wanna make out with mice

In a regular diss on white people, the boys grimace at a home video of a woman allowing her pet rat to get right up in there in her mouth.

Desus: Is she doing a mannequin challenge with a mouse?

Mero: Nope that’s a f*ckin’ rat.

Desus: This is a very graphic scene from Ratatouille 2, he becomes an oral hygienist.

Mero: What other orifices is that guy going in?

Desus tops it off with a Richard Gere joke and advises you Google it if you’re too young to get the gag.

Racism is over

It is according to Illinois woman Whitney Meyer if you have the rare occurrence of giving birth to biracial twins as she did last year. One would inherit their mother’s white complexion, the other more closely resemble their father’s black complexion.

Meyer told People magazine that her children are "miracle babies" who show "why racism shouldn't exist" and that "In this family, we don't see color. Love is love."

But Desus and Mero call bullsh*t noting the joyous disposition of the white baby in a family pic.

“The white baby’s like ‘Thank God! Jackpot!’”

It’s ok to punch a Nazi

Desus and Mero recently introduced the “new segment” “F*ck up a Nazi” airing the recent footage of Alt-right leader Richard Spencer getting punched in the head during an interview with ABC News near President Trump’s inauguration.

So is it ok to punch a Nazi?

Desus: “Basic rules of America, it’s alright to punch a Nazi right? There’s no need for critical discourse of it. There’s no need to have a nuanced discussion.

"We literally had a huge world war where we had to tag up with other countries to beat the f*ck out [of] the Nazis because they were wiping out a race of people.”

The ins and outs of anal bleaching

Who doesn’t want to know right? It’s all Kanye’s fault, he’s been singing about anal bleaching don’t ya’ know? So starts an enlightening conversation where Desus tells us how it should be done. And it shouldn’t be white.

Desus: “Don’t you want it pink like a grapefruit? You don’t want it white you want it pink like a Starburst. They bleach the actual rubber balloon knot….. That’s how Neil deGrasse Tyson describes it.”

Desus and Mero airs nightly on SBS VICELAND. Tonight it's on at 12:55am. If that's past your bedtime, you can catch up with it and all the previous episodes on SBS On Demand:

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