Yet another gory, zombie-rific season of The Walking Dead has come to a close.
What happened? Hard to say. I fast-forwarded right through it.
The nasty bad guy Negan kills one of our favourite Walking Dead heroes. It’s absolutely disgusting, but much easier to take when the action goes really fast, thanks to the fast-forward button.
After reeling from the sadness of losing Glenn, Rick and the Gang just does whatever Negan and his gang wants. There’s a lot of talking and tension over how frustrating this is and it all threatens to go nowhere quick - SUPER quick, thanks to the fast-forward button.
This season appeared to feature a tiger. Or a lion. Things were moving too fast to know for sure.
At last count, there are over 7,380 television shows demanding the public’s attention. And yet Rick and the Gang spend four episodes talking about maybe thinking about planning to possibly do something about this whole Negan situation.
I accidentally pressed the rewind button instead of the fast-forward button. This means more fast-forwarding.
This character (name?) went on what may have been an emotional journey of self discovery. Again, things were moving way too fast to say with any certainty.
During one of Negan’s 300 sing-songy “I’m dangerously charismatic while I threaten your life” speeches, I started to question why I was watching this show if I was just going to fast-forward it. I don’t remember anything that happens. I’m not enjoying myself. What is the purpose of all of this? Fast-forwarding makes me feel like I’m being more efficient, but it’s a ruse. A false sense of efficiency. I have forgotten how to live. How to love. Also...
Rick’s hair got sweaty again this season.
At some point, in the midst of episodes where everyone talks about doing things but nothing actually happens until the last two minutes (if at all), it was revealed that one of the characters is actually an amazing impressionist. His Facebook video is widely accepted to be more entertaining than the last four seasons combined.
The nerdy guy seemed to have switched sides. He’s hanging out with Negan now. The transition is mercifully quick thanks to the fast-forward button.
It became extra clear that the theme song is the best thing about this show.
No clue what happened here.
Honestly, what is any of this?
This was a moment where it seemed like a lot was happening because of all the guns and whatnot. But actually, nothing is happening here. Absolutely nothing.
Many seasons ago, I watched this show under the assumption that we would eventually be granted some clarity around how the zombie apocalypse happened and how it might be stopped so that civilisation could resume. Perhaps, we thought, there would be some resolution to this story. But like so many things in life, I was dead, dead wrong. There will be no resolution. No denouement. No satisfaction. Much like its gross zombies, The Walking Dead will march on forever, until the earth collides with the sun and we all cease to be. The fast-forward button allows us to get there quicker.
Do you know who this is? Please leave his or her name in the comments.
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