The next series of The Island with Bear Grylls pits Millennials against Baby Boomers, and I for one couldn’t be happier.
It’s going to be great to see those ungracefully aging knuckleheads get what’s coming to them from the lean and hungry Cassiuses of the eternal-renter generation, whose survival skills have been forged in the gladiatorial arena that is finding a job and place to rent in the only cities that have jobs available.
In preparation for the show, I’d like to share some of the ways I take the battle to those entitled post-war loudmouths every day of my life.
They’re not getting ahead of me
Thanks to negative gearing, free university education and all the other benefits of an era when people still cared about each other, Baby Boomers have already had enough of a head-start in life. So there’s no way I’m letting them get in front of me in the grocery line, even if I’ve got a full trolley and they’re only picking up some treats for the spoiled dog. Same goes on the road – if you wanted to merge, you should’ve been less greedy with the social safety net, Mr Greying Merc Driver.
They’re frozen in shaken awe at my nimble agility
Not literally, obviously. I’m talking about the upside to having zero attention span – while Baby Boomers grind their lives away in one industry, one role, one niche, I’m flitting from task to task like a graceful butterfly who can turn on a dime. Sure, they might have inherited the means of production from the parents who fought and/or died in WWII for them, but those desk-bound, single-tasking Baby Boomers will never know the joy of a morning spent researching Chernobyl’s rewilding and an afternoon engaged in the writing of a hateful cross-generational screed.
I’m assisting in the destruction of their childhood memories
As part of the rising population in our major cities, I’m ensuring the childhood homes Baby Boomers were born and raised in before they sold them off for an absolute fortune to investors are being bulldozed and replaced with 1.5-bedroom apartments in which you can hear neighbours on the bog. Which means those Boomers will be denied the simple joy of walking through an old house as an old man or woman, shedding a happy tear at the sun-dappled memories of youth. Sucked in.
I’m not buying newspapers or using proper telephones
All those blue-chip shares they bought in stable industries that have stood the test of time for generations? Forget it, Boomers. Your Telstra holdings are down the gurgler thanks to my adoption of bleeding-edge tech and information-delivery services that would blow your Luddite minds. I’m making smartphones look like idiot telegrams. NB. There’s no specific example here because it would be outdated by the time you get to the end of this sentence, such is the speed of my early adoption.
I’m ruining their retirement and blood pressure
Firstly, there aren’t enough of us Millennials to subsidise all the medical attention these longer-living hip-breakers will need over the next few decades, so they’ll have to either work longer than their parents or put aside some of that real estate fortune in case of emergency. Secondly, I’m slagging them off at every opportunity and everyone knows Baby Boomers can’t resist taking the bait (they’ve greedily taken everything else, so why not that?).
Thirdly, I don’t even like smashed avocado, so their strongest comeback is irrelevant.
Watch The Island with Bear Grylls on Saturdays at 9:30pm on SBS starting 3 June.
Missed the first episode? Watch it at SBS On Demand right here: