• Trixie Mattel and Katya Zamolodchikova are full of tips and tricks for getting through life. (Supplied)Source: Supplied
DISCLAIMER: Included advice may not 100% factual. Or even 1% factual. I don't know - I'm not a maths genius, mama.
By
Chloe Sargeant

19 Dec 2017 - 11:52 AM  UPDATED 19 Dec 2017 - 11:55 AM

I've spent an enormous amount of time with Trixie Mattel and Katya Zamolodchikova.

Not like, IRL (sadly). But I, like many others, have spent many a hungover Sunday on my couch, cackling as much as my devastatingly dehydrated body would allow at their SBS VICELAND series, The Trixie and Katya Show

Some might say that these drag queens are simply creating a comedic television series filled with anecdotes and scintillating, campy conversation, but I say nay - they are creating sorely-needed hacks for this funny lil' thing called life. The advice they gift us is a glittering beacon of light in the dark, dark times we live in.

I sincerely hope that if the human race dies out and aliens descend on Earth to find something we left behind - it's an episode of The Trixie and Katya Show. Not only will the aliens believe that Trixie's makeup is what actual human faces looked like, but they will also believe that our banter was excessively witty, AND that we were able to make our bodies disappear and exist solely as disembodied heads, bobbing about.

Here's just some of the fundamental, immensely beneficial life lessons I have taken away from the drag royalty that is Trixie and Katya. 

 

Episode 1: Hooking Up

“You are a speck of nothing” – mama, LITERALLY.

Meeting the love of your life and spending the rest of your lives together – it’s something most people think about. But Trixie and Katya are pretty dang spot on when they explain you don’t meet 'the one', you make 'the one'.

Katya: “The romantic illusion that there’s one person out there for you is ridiculous. There’s one person in the bathroom for you in every building. EVERY BUILDING. There is 700 billion people in the United States of America [AUTHOR NOTE: Errr… nope.]”

Trixie: “You ain’t that special Linda!”

Katya: “Nope. You are a speck of nothing. […] It’s an illusion. You don’t find the one. You create the one. “

Trixie: “Learn to be the one, before you f*ck the one.”

Katya: “You’re like, ‘alright, this guy will do!’. Then you go on like 50 dates to sort of mould him into this like, perception you have in your fantasy land, whatever. He either adapts to that, or he runs, screaming and bloodied.”

This is an eloquent and important dating lesson from Katya and Trixie – the world is an enormous place, and the galaxy that houses us is a vast, thriving continuum filled with billions of lifeforms. You are nothing, and your relationship ain’t the be all and end all.

If soulmates were real, yours would probably be a bloodsucking alien three randomised jumps through hyperspace away – not Dave who you went to primary school with. You just saw him at your local pub 200 metres away from your house one Friday night, and he looked appealing because you’d had too many pints and remembered that he wasn’t one of the kids that visibly picked their nose in class. Score. 

 

Episode 2: Porn

It's extremely difficult to create the titles of porno versions of movies. I always thought this would be extraordinarily easy, which would explain the thousands of ridiculous, often concerning names of some porno films.

But it turns out that porn producers must struggle as much as the people that Trixie and Katya (I mean… Brian and Brian) interview on the street in this episode – because most of their suggestions are exceedingly terrible (or excellent – art is subjective, I guess.)

Here’s a few of ‘em:

    • Night of the Living Dick (Trixie: “Well… you would hope the dick’s alive!”)
    • Honey I Have a Small Dick (Katya: “A heartbreaking confessional porno.”)
    • The Da Vinci Chode (Trixie: “The people who made 'The Da Vinci Load’ are so mad right now.”)
    • Edward Fingerhands (“Where he just goes back to human? It’s a success story!”)

Horrifying stuff, folks.

Also, not life advice per se, but this episode delivered the clarification that both Trixie and Katya would not go to bonetown with a Minion. I’m relieved, tbh.

I suppose that is pretty solid life advice, in a way: don’t have sex with Minions.

Episode 3: Death

There's a lot of advice in this episode, so let me list some of the most life-changing for you:

    • A really good slang term for death is a "dirt nap".
    • Don't fear death, be turned on by the idea of being free of all of your responsibilities.
    • The perfect funeral consists of the following things: a $150 ticket, limited seating, a helicopter and an explosion (not necessarily related), and good food. 
    • Trixie's idea of heaven is a having sex with Paul Rudd on astroturf, and the Spice Girls are still together.
    • Katya is so old, she was present at Marty McFly's mum and dad's prom in Back to the Future. This is a true fact (according to Trixie's brain).

Final word: death is not the end, it is simply a change and a new beginning and therefore is not to be feared. Also Katya's autopsy will reveal she doesn't have human organs, she is instead filled with cigarette smoke, bats and Ed McMahon.

 

Episode 4: Fear

This episode is filled to the brim of fabulous life advice. This includes a pretty conclusive list of what we should ALL be soul-crushingly afraid of, as well as the queens' thoughts on things that aren't actually scary at all, ya big wuss.

Things to be terrified of include: poverty, irrelevance, homophobia, revenge-seeking squirrels, lines at the post office, venues not validating parking, dating, and not having access to the internet.

Things not to be be afraid of: rollercoasters and thrill rides, Jason Voorhees (he's too boring), scary movies, Freddy Kruger (he's too sexy), and the sexual kink of licking eyeballs (oculolinctus).

But all in all, this episode really confirmed that The Trixie and Katya Show gives you down-to-earth advice that those closest to you are often too scared to give:

For even more fantastically simple, easy-to-use, listicle-ready lifehacking advice, there's a marathon of The Trixie and Katya Show happening on SBS VICELAND on December 24 from 10:25pm.

In the meantime, you can check out our absolutely bonkers interview with Trixie and Katya here. ENJOY, LINDA.

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