In his tantalizing series The Ice Cream Show, host Isaac Lappert travels the US discovering the history, diversity and delicious innovations of the beloved treat, confirming ice cream is still one of the best things to do with the insides of a cow. But with an almost endless array of options ranging from humble vanilla to whatever ‘tutti frutti’ is, a person’s choice of ice cream reveals much about who they are.
With 100% scientific accuracy, this is what your choice of ice cream says about you:
Good old chocolate! Though it could nowadays be considered a somewhat boring pick, chocolate has earned its place at the top of the ice cream ladder via countless years of unparalleled excellence. If chocolate is your choice, you are a person who knows what they like, seeing no need to veer from the established path of a proven star to sample inevitably inferior alternatives.
It is those who appear plain on the surface that often hide the greatest of secrets. As a vanilla fan, there is a possibility you prefer a calm, predictable life, but there is every chance you are concealing an unexpected personality and perhaps even the capacity for violent crime. As such, you should be constantly scrutinized until proving no threat to society.
There is no finer exhibition of equality than this display of radically different flavours complementing each other in perfect harmony. If Neapolitan is your favoured treat, you are a fine role model who believes in the true merits of tolerance and sets a fine example for all to follow. You are also secretly aware that chocolate is best.
Vegan, raw, organic, low calorie ice cream
Some people take issue with those who turn simple foods into complicated artisan fare, but if this is your choice, you are just as worthy of a treat as anyone else. You also almost certainly own at least one pet with a human name and are amongst the heroes keeping the suspenders and bow-tie industries afloat.
Combining alcoholism and dessert, rum’n’raisin is the choice for those who refuse to acknowledge when enough is enough. Is it delicious? Yes. But there is a time to admit there are some problems that even ice cream can’t solve.
This blue stuff
You live life by the seat of your pants, completely at ease with the ingestion of whatever chemicals go into making food look this unnatural. Going out on a limb, it is also safe to say you have traveled by car on multiple occasions and whether you have seen it or not, you are aware of the film franchise ‘Gremlins’.
Pistachio ice cream fans are known for their intimacy issues and staggering intolerance for hat wearers. They are exclusively left-handed and, without exception, all have at least one prosthetic leg. To be sure, this is a niche market, highlighting the individuality and breadth among ice cream fans. It also suggests that guessing a person’s characteristics based on their choice of ice cream may not be an exact science and could even be considered “quite dumb”.
Bowl of cat
You can argue all you like but the fact remains, this is not ice cream. This is a bowl of cat. If you are steadfast in your assertion that this is your chosen flavour of ice cream, it suggests an abundance of issues that require immediate professional intervention. In the meantime, you can expect to be asked to leave the restaurant or pet shop in which you have placed your order.
This choice says one of two things. 1) Your name is definitely Gavin. You took my Ninja Turtles pen in Grade 7 and never gave it back. Rest assured, as clearly as I remember your favourite flavour of ice cream, I also remember where you live and your greatest weaknesses. I won’t rest until vengeance is served. 2) Perhaps you just like raspberry ice cream.
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Celebrating dairy’s universal appeal, and even acknowledging the valiant attempts of soy to impersonate it, The Ice Cream Show is a fun and entertaining look at the ice cream world. Showcasing the immense diversity of its flavours and fans, the show steers clear of needlessly categorizing people based on their choice of flavour. Instead, it celebrates the culinary world’s finest achievement, confirming that for all but the people who don’t like it, or who it makes violently ill due to debilitating food allergies, ice cream is a treat we can all enjoy.
The Ice Cream Show is streaming now at SBS On Demand: