This man doesn’t want to leave his marriage, but he seeks out physical and emotional connections with other women in secret. He tells Insight why he’s chosen to have affairs.
I’ve been with my wife for over 20 years. I love my wife, and my marriage is generally very happy – although it has its ups and downs, like many I know of.
There’s things I’m very happy about in my marriage. But there’s things I’m not very happy about, too. Our relationship isn’t sexual anymore. I don’t feel romantic. I feel more angry sometimes, and so does she. It feels like we’re two friends doing a job – not like we were before, when we first met.
I’ve had many conversations with my wife about our relationship, but they don’t go anywhere. Nothing changes. Sometimes I’m at the point where I’d like to leave, but knowing what other people have been through when relationships end, it seems easier to stay. It’s not a good situation to be in. That’s what lead me to look elsewhere. I started looking around on the internet, seeing what was there.
Being able to find an emotional connection with other people has been a good thing for me.
I came across a few sites, and joined a dating site for people in the same situation as me. I look for people around my age, someone not too far away from where I live – but also not too close to home. Discretion is very important, and rules need to be set in place so that people aren’t hurt. I always make it clear I’m not looking to leave my wife.
It’s not just about sex. It’s more about meeting someone who I can relate to, feel comfortable to talk to, is supportive, and I can be supportive of them. That’s something I don’t get at home, it’s not available there. Being able to find an emotional connection with other people has been a good thing for me. It’s helped me a lot.
If my wife found out about my affairs, life would be very difficult for my family. It may bring our issues to the forefront, which eventually may be a good thing, or it may be something that ends the relationship – I don’t know. I decided that the risk was worth it.