If Eurovision were high school, ‘interpretive dance’ would be a core subject, Sweden would be on the honour roll, Australia would be the hot exchange student and everyone’s hair would be...much the same. As we look ahead to the semi-finals of this year’s Eurovision Song Contest, it’s time to flick through the pages of the 2016 Yearbook and make a few predictions.
Most Likely To Have Been Inspired By A Fridge Magnet: Ireland
With a chorus like “touch who you want to, kiss who you’ve got to, fight like we’re winners, love like beginners, dance like you mean it, sing like you feel it”, Ireland’s 2016 entry ‘Sunlight’ sounds more like an inspiring magnet on your Mum’s fridge than it does a winning Eurovision track.
Still, former Westlife singer Nicky Byrne’s natural magnetism could see it stuck in the final. You wouldn’t get this sort of rubbish with Dustin The Turkey.
Most Likely To Be Gabriella Cilmi: Azerbaijan
There’s something Sweet About Azerbaijan’s Samra Rahimli. Despite some serious veteran Eurovision talent behind her song ‘Miracle’, Samra is also Most Likely To Need Divine Intervention To Win.
Most Likely To Buy Your Daughter A Drink At A Club: San Marino
Serhat, San Marino’s 2016 entrant and former quiz show host (you’re next, Grant Denyer), is a bit like Barry White if Barry was ever a white man in a bowtie-fedora combo.
The Turkish-born crooner will bring his disco-remix of ‘I Didn’t Know’ to the first semi-final and has demanded only the finest Vaseline camera filters be used.
Serhat is of course most likely to shout you a vodka and Red Bull at swinging San Marino nightclub. You would politely decline and later would ask your friends “Did you see that guy with the monocle hitting on me?” and they would reply “What are you talking about? There was no-one there”. But there was someone there. And it was Serhat.
Most Likely To Be Savaged By Wolves: Belarus
Could the 2016 Eurovision Song Contest be Ivan’s ‘The Revenant’ moment? Not in the sense of assured accolades, but the likelihood of him being mauled by a wild animal as the world watches on? 24 year old Alexander Ivanov, better known simply as Ivan, was already an intense sort of fellow – always engaging you in a staring competition you never agreed to. Now the Belarus singer has plans to perform ‘Help You Fly’ on the Stockholm stage completely starkers, flanked by live wolves.
Best of luck to Ivan, his family and his life insurance agency.
Most Likely To Replace Back-Up Dancers With Drones: Israel
Drones, those miniature, commercially-available flying machines set to revolutionise the postal system and beloved by Dads the world over, play a starring role in the official video for Hovi Star’s ‘Made Of Stars’, Israel’s 2016 ESC entry.
And why not? Drones are having a real moment. Drones are the future. Soon enough all Eurovision contestants will be replaced by drones and only other drones will be allowed to vote.
Note to ESC producers: DO NOT let the drones near Ivan’s wolves.