The Eurovision Song Contest is a great excuse for a viewing party – an opportunity to meet new people, try new foods and showcase your anger issues as you too-aggressively ask for a ‘A BIT OF SHOOSH’ at the end of every ad break. In the ESC spirit of inclusivity, a Eurovision party can also be an occasion where people with wildly different personalities are thrown together for the very first time and before you know it you’re wedged between a tray of pastizzis and a bowl of tropical punch. You're then talking to the host’s upstairs neighbours about their worst Airbnb experiences and missing all of the hair-swinging, clog-dancing action.
Inspired by Mitch Albom’s The Five People You Meet In Heaven, here’s five people you should actively avoid at your next Eurovision shindig.
1. Woman who uses entire party as an excuse to talk about her European trip
Cassandra, we know you spent 48 hours in San Marino in 2008 and have a lot to say. Set up a slides night and we’ll all be sure to RSVP on Facebook.
2. Man who watched the live broadcast in the wee hours of the morning and just can’t keep his mouth shut
This man is very sweaty – he looks like he knows too much, because he does. He should be kept locked in the laundry or outside with the dog until the winner is revealed.
3. Man who vocalises all his jokes when he should just be silently Tweeting them
Hey Chandler Bing, we get it! Unless you are truly confident - and you shouldn’t be – that your Eurovision-related pun will play well to the room, take it to the internet instead where it will face a proper judge and jury instead of the polite, frustrated laughter of your family and friends.
4. Woman who is a high school music teacher but mostly a frustrated pop star
After every performance this woman pauses, declares the singer was “a little pitchy”, then takes a sip of her Pinot Gris and looks away, nonchalantly. Also she’ll tell anyone who’ll listen that she taught Dami Im ‘everything she knows’.
5. Man who just doesn’t get it
This man does not get what the Eurovision ‘fuss’ is all about and because of a lifetime of being told all of his opinions are worth hearing, he isn’t afraid to share them. “What is this?” he moans after the very first song, “Can we switch over to Storage Wars?” He will bail you up for 45 minutes and try to talk to you about anything other than Eurovision. You can try to explain why the contest is beloved not just in Europe but the world over, why its celebration of ‘camp’ is an important response to fragile masculinity, why ultimately it’s a force for the greater good, breaking through wretched and polarising EU politics. He won’t hear you. Next time his wife should leave him at home like the ornamental house plant he is.
The Eurovision Song Contest will be broadcast on SBS’s Eurovision Weekend - Friday 13, Saturday 14 and Grand Final Sunday 15 May, 7.30pm on SBS, with LIVE early morning broadcasts from 5am on Wednesday 11, Friday 13 and Sunday 15 May.
For all the Eurovision behind the scenes action in Stockholm make sure to follow SBSAustralia on Snapchat.