The Chinese have a reputation for being great gardeners. I’m a bit of a black thumb – everything I plant tends to wither and die. What do you grow in your garden, and how do you make it grow well?
Jenny: Most of my plants are indoor plants: jade leaves; happy plant; lucky bamboo and million year greens. You just need to put them in water, but you also need to add love. And maybe some slow release fertiliser. Mother-in-law’s tongue is popular for white people, but anything shaped like a knife, Chinese don’t like it. They see it as bad luck. But I like it, because you don’t have to look after it much. Like the Zanzibar gem – the more you neglect it, the more beautiful it grows, and they look shiny and nice. Outside, my garden’s soil is very bad and sandy, but I very proudly and successfully grew two passionfruit plants, over the kids’ old cubby house. The flowers are quite beautiful.
My secret fertiliser? My own piss. No need to buy fertiliser! And if your body’s healthy, there’s nothing poisonous. But – important! – you have to dilute it. You can pee in a bucket in your shower or whatever, but men are far luckier: they can just flop out their penis and go directly. So organic. That’s what Asians do. I think even some Asian markets and vegetable suppliers probably use their own piss. I should ask TV’s Poh whether she uses her own piss, because her garden is growing like crazy. You should see it on Instagram. So that’s my secret: the piss makes passionfruit grow as big as my fist! Ha!
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