Dating apps have given us so much choice and so much power but no rules.
By
Sadia Azmat

15 Jul 2019 - 8:55 AM  UPDATED 26 Jul 2019 - 9:58 AM

If you want to get a guy’s attention it’s very easy - all you have to do is sext them. 

I’ve always noticed the difference in communications and response times with men. If it’s a normal message it can go unread for days. But throw in the word 'lick', 'bite' or 'wet' and that message is getting read instantly. 

I’m very aware that my sext messages read like those of a sexual predator and am very grateful for my recipient’s understanding and indulgence. The words have to be graphic because as a hijabi the pictures certainly aren’t. My nudes tend to be from the neck up. Anything neck down is headless - which has led to complaints from partners.

 

But with power comes responsibility. The downside of sexting is it can detract from some of the spontaneity in fooling around and unintentionally become a substitute for foreplay. So definitely keep a few tricks in the bag to keep them on their toes. Technology gives us the illusion of being close even when we are physically apart. We shouldn’t forget the importance of hooking up being an act of intimacy and making sure we haven’t run out of steam before we’re even in the same room together. 

I get all sorts of DMs - guys telling me I need to get a married cos I’m so horny, guys telling me I’m gonna burn in hell, guys offering me a quickie and others just looking for advice on how they can find a partner. 

The average Tinder message sent by a man to a woman is 12 characters long, while the other way around, the average is 122. I think to win in the dating world you have to be really clear about what it is you want. Dating apps have given us so much choice, so much power but no rules.

I’m a dating app virgin for many reasons. In 2015, it came to light in statistics published by GlobalWebIndex that, of those surveyed, 42 per cent of Tinder’s user base already had a partner. So even those - who had already said I do - were keeping their options open.

I joined Facebook years ago and for some reason that gave foreign men from India/Pakistan a green light to hit on me. I would get pictures of men posing with their (or more likely their friend’s) BMWs wanting to ‘get to know me’. 

My hesitance with using apps is that I would attract the wrong guys. Even though these guys weren’t my type, apparently I was very much theirs. I question whether they liked me or just liked that I wore a headscarf and therefore lived up to their outdated expectations of an ultra modest, chaste wife material.

Being a Muslim woman it’s hard to find someone, let alone ‘the one’. Guys I am interested in overlook me so quickly, more than likely, concluding I’m more trouble than I’m worth.

I think what still holds true is we should treat others they way we would like to be treated. 

I got my first fully erect, unsolicited dick pic last year. I think he probably thought he was doing me a favour - having no idea that women are not nearly as visually stimulated as men. 

Then there’s Instagram. I get all sorts of DMs - guys telling me I need to get a married because I’m so horny, guys telling me I’m gonna burn in hell, guys offering me a quickie and others just looking for advice on how they can find a partner. 

The thing with the internet is there’s no beginning and no end. Whether you are on a dating app or not we’re all in each others world without any invitations or explanations. 

As part of a BBC Radio 2 program I presented recently, called ‘My Single Life’ I saw a therapist for the first time to discuss my issues with dating. She helped me see that not being on dating apps was my way of avoiding the disappointment of being potentially let down and hurt in a relationship. 

She put forward a good argument for why I should be on dating apps to experiment and see what’s out there. I have friends with online dating horror stories who were ghosted after a one night stand. I also have friends who have met their true love on Tinder. 

I think what still holds true is we should treat others they way we would like to be treated. And not lose sight of the fact that even though breaking the ice and interacting with someone virtually is a lot easier that they are still a person. You got to kiss a few frogs before you meet your Prince Charming.

Sadia Azmat is a stand-up comedian and will be performing at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival (August 3 - 25). She hosts the BBC Sounds podcast No Country For Young Women and also has a BBC Radio 2 program “My Single Life”,  released on July 14.

The Hunting premieres on Thursday, August 1 at 8:30pm on SBS and SBS On Demand, and airs over four weeks.

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