Comedian Tom Ballard is most concerned about a "dangerously radical program" in Australian schools.
Tom Ballard

9 Mar 2016 - 1:56 PM  UPDATED 9 Mar 2016 - 1:56 PM

Dear Prime Minister,

It was so nice to see you and your wife Lucy at the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras on Saturday night. I wish you the most sincere congratulations on becoming the first sitting Australian Prime Minister to attend that vibrant and vital celebration of pride, diversity, family and community.

Unfortunately, I write this letter to you on a markedly less positive matter.

It has recently come to my attention that my hard-earned taxpayer dollars are funding a dangerously radical program explicitly designed to warp the minds of Australian schoolchildren. This social engineering project is an insidious threat to the mental health and well-being of hundreds of thousands of young people and must be seriously reviewed forthwith.

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I speak, of course, of the National School Chaplaincy Program (NSCP). Since 2007, this “holy” initiative has resulted in our schools being infiltrated by thousands of activist Jesus freaks (though I’m probably not even allowed to say that anymore, thanks to the PC brigade!!!). Under a façade of “good intentions” and “pastoral care”, the NSCP is poisoning the educational experience of innocent students. It is indoctrinating our future generations with inappropriate and contested theories about the origins of the universe, the meaning of life and mammalian parthenogenesis.

Now please don’t misunderstand me: I don’t want to see any child burn in the fiery pits of hell for all eternity as punishment for their earthly sins. But surely the existing curriculum sufficiently addresses this? Our schools already educate our children on matters of science, history, psychology, philosophy, ethics and politics, all without exposing them to extreme ideas about a vengeful and jealous deity who once flooded the entire world out of spite and had his own son tortured to death.

(Please note that I have not capitalised the first letter of “his” here as the lunatic advocates of the NSCP would have me do. I refuse to change my use of pronouns for anyone!)

A friend emailed me a link to some of the reference materials used in this disturbing program and I was, quite simply, horrified. The NSCP booklet is filled with ludicrous scientific claims, violence, rape, vengeance, prostitution, hundreds of inconsistencies and questionable medical advice in regards to leprosy.

Here’s just one example from the chapter “Numbers”:

They fought against Midian, as the Lord commanded Moses, and killed every man…The Israelites captured the Midianite women and children and took all the Midianite herds, flocks and goods as plunder. They burned all the towns where the Midianites had settled, as well as all their camps.

What if there were children of Midianite descent in the classroom reading such things? I can only imagine how triggering that might be.

"Is this really the kind of message we want to be sending to vulnerable children? That they should all be like this “Moses” character?"

And is this really the kind of message we want to be sending to vulnerable children? That they should all be like this “Moses” character, who went on to order his men to “kill every male among the little ones, and kill every women who has known man intimately… but all the girls who have not known intimately, spare for yourselves”?

Anyone can see that this kind of sex-negative filth is very problematic.

Or take some of the pearls of wisdom to be found in the chapter named “Leviticus”:

Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material.

Do not let your hair become unkempt and do not tear your clothes, or you will die and the Lord will be angry with the whole community.

You may purchase male or female slaves from among the foreigners who live among you… You may treat them as your property, passing them on to your children as a permanent inheritance.

If a man lie with a beast, he shall surely be put to death: and ye shall slay the beast.

The anti-mixed fibre, obsessive-compulsive-disorder-confirming, slave-owning agenda is blatantly stated here. I for one strongly believe that it should be left up to parents to instruct their children as to how to best approach questions of bestiality and capital punishment, and if saying that makes me a “bigot”, well then so be it.

Please, Mr Prime Minister – I urge you to wake up to the dangers of this propaganda before it’s too late. There is overwhelming scientific evidence that a pursuit of the kind of notions that can be found in the NSCP can lead to fundamentalism, inquisitions, door-knocking, terrible music and the wearing of very silly hats. No doubt as a result of this program there are already more children partaking in those shameless festivals they hold in March and December with their silly costumes and obsession with depictions of BDSM.

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Furthermore, I hardly need to remind you that a number of the folks who've previously peddled this kind of stuff have been found to be grooming children.

Defenders of the program claim that people are simply “born” believing in a higher power and that the existence of the religious is an inevitability that the education system has an obligation to accommodate. I say that’s a load of pish tosh. If materials such as those found in the NSCP weren’t being forced down innocent kids’ throats, chances are they’d easily figure out for themselves that the universe and the human race are the product of complex, random events and natural selection and that whilst our existence may be devoid of any greater cosmic meaning, it is within the capacity of our flawed and limited consciousness to attribute a collective morality and sense of purpose to our brief time on this speck of dust as it floats through the vastness of infinite space.

That’s how I was raised, anyway.

Most importantly, just think of what this farcical venture is costing us. The $243 million the government is funnelling into this nonsense could be much better spent on effective, carefully researched and sorely needed anti-bullying initiatives such as the Safe Schools Coalition.

I, along with many other concerned homosexual atheists across the community, call on you and your government to take action and launch a secretive and politically-motivated investigation as soon as humanly possible.

Won’t someone please think of the children?

Yours sincerely,

Tom Ballard