It happened again.
An emotional night of pasta-eating led to the purchase of ice cream.
Time after time, my wife and I have promised each other we would be good – no drinking, no pasta, and certainly no ice cream. I have a well-documented sugar addiction and we’re both trying to get into shape, despite the best efforts of our two sons.
“Where are you going, tubby?” they’ll say as I’m halfway out the door on my way to the gym. “It’s pudding time.”
But instead of sharing the ice cream romantically with the same romantic spoon while watching a romantic movie, I ate most of it over the sink before she took a single bite. I am a slave to and victim of the sweet stuff and my lady friend knows that, but it didn’t stop her from bursting into a sugar-deprived rage.
“You are going to make me two desserts for Mother’s Day,” she demanded, wild-eyed. “Two. Yummy. Desserts.”
And that’s how it starts.
Like the rising tide of white nationalism, the pressure to deliver on Mother’s Day is enormous and capable of leaving you crumpled on the floor, begging for a way out. “Won’t SOMEONE show me how to successfully navigate Mother’s Day without ruining my relationship?!?!” you’ll howl into the night.
First of all, try to relax.
Second of all, I just so happen to have an essential guide to creating blissful Mother’s Day memories guaranteed to last forever…
Get some rest so you can wake up early and let her sleep in
Even if they’ve been waking up at 7:30am for the last year, your children will get up at 5 on Mother’s Day. So get to sleep early. And don’t drink too much. No one has sympathy for a hungover father on Mother’s Day. Especially not the police.
If you can’t make breakfast, take her and the offspring out to brunch
I know. Brunch is a made up nonsense meal that only terrible people go to. But if you can’t cook, that’s where you’re headed.
And don’t forget to make a reservation. Most people for some reason have convinced themselves that brunch is what you’re supposed to do on Mother’s Day, so the entire planet is out there, sipping mimosas and pouring hollandaise sauce all over the place.
(Full disclosure: I love hollandaise sauce and wouldn’t want to live without it.)
Buy HER some jewellery or clothing
I don’t know a lot, but I know that ladies love jewellery and clothing. That said…
You have terrible taste – don’t buy any jewellery or clothing
Even if you think you don’t have bad taste, you probably do. Most people do. It’s not a crime. But it means you should stay out of jewellery and clothing stores. They are none of your business.
If you have to get jewellery, get something with your children’s initials or something equally meaningful-slash-cheesy and pray that she doesn’t think it’s hideous.
If you’re determined to buy clothing, make it a shawl or something. I once bought my lady friend a very expensive green sweater that she’s never worn once. Why? Because it looks like something a Cabbage Patch Kid would wear.
If you’re going to cook, make something you know how to make
Don’t be a hero. Spare her the embarrassment of having to embarrass you when she can’t choke down whatever horror show you dragged out of the oven.
Put some effort into a photo collage or something else that makes it look like you care about someone other than yourself
Seriously. No pictures of you high-fiving someone or giving a thumbs up. Why do you even do that stuff anymore? Get your act together.
Make sure she has some time away from you and your terrible kids
Your lady friend loves your children more than life itself. She certainly loves them more than you do. But if she has to spend all day with them on Mother’s Day she’s going to explode. So get her out of the house by herself – or scoop those monsters up and take them somewhere far away. Do you know anyone with a trampoline or something? Take them there.
Leave romantic/creepy notes around your home to show your love
By the time a woman becomes a mother, romance has been utterly drained from her life to the point that she can’t even remember what it’s like to be the object of a grown up’s affection. And God knows you don’t normally have the energy for whatever she thinks romance is. But this is your chance to serve it up nice and hot – with notes!
Here are just a few examples of messages guaranteed to bring the spark back to your relationships and make her feel like a woman again:
You’re one hot mama.
Where did you leave the keys? To your heart.
I love your big butt.
We’re out of coco butter.
I’m under the bed. Nude.
Or just dig deep and write something sweet in a card – and for God’s sake don’t misspell her name
If you can’t get a handle on how to spell the name of the mother of your children, you’ve got bigger problems than anything this guide will solve. And that’s saying a lot, because this guide should solve most of your problems.
Whatever you do, make it absolutely unforgettable. Because if you don’t… well, I don’t even want to think about what might happen.
Haha no pressure good luck happy Mother’s Day!!
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