Apparently the media aren’t biased against women in sport, they simply can’t interest their audience in talented women playing well and acting like decent human beings (on and off the field).
Where’s the aggression? Where’s the devious machinations? Why aren’t women being assholes all the time?
Media coverage isn’t about the best and fairest, it’s more like a cheesy soap opera or reality cooking show, where heroes and villains win the ratings war. Basically, if women want to get more attention they have to step up and start being douche canoes.
Want to win at media? Concentrate a little less on the game and a little more on shady antics. Being a woman, you are probably too nice to figure out how, so we’ve put together a step-by-step guide to show you the way.
Stop being so law-abiding
It’s not cool. Nobody likes a goody-two-shoes. There’s no need to start smuggling drugs or shooting people but you do have to walk on the wild side. Dabble in drink driving and speed for the hell of it. If you lose your licence, you get bonus points for continuing to get behind the wheel. You know what’s really badass? Putting innocent lives at risk on the road.
Look how happy Bernard Tomic is here after he was clocked driving 78km/h in a 60km/h zone. He’s not thinking about putting his tennis career in jeopardy because he’s about to be front-page news.
Abby Wambach knows the score.
Cheat as often as you can
Cheat on your partner, cheat on your drug tests, cheat during your matches. Make it a lifestyle choice. When was the last time “Monogamous, clean-living tennis star plays a very fair game” appeared above the fold? It’s time to get nasty if you want to get those column inches.
US Weekly alone needed six different magazines to cover Tiger’s bed-hopping saga. Many have wondered how he even found time to play golf but this is the kind of dedication women need to be showing to the cause.
Nothing like a good old-fashioned doping scandal to stop the presses.
Be a really sore loser
When things don’t go your way the biggest mistake you can make is to take it on the chin. Grasp the opportunity and turn your loss into a media spectacle. Swear at the referee, threaten your opponent with physical violence, turn on your fans, have an all-out toddler tantrum if the moment feels right. It’s anything goes in the sore loser game.
Tennis superbrat John McEnroe still sets the gold standard for sore loser shenanigans. He may have won seven grand slam titles in his career but the guy is more famous for coining a catchphrase when he screamed “you cannot be serious” at an umpire.
Tonya Harding got 20 years of media coverage - including an ESPN 30 for 30 special - out of the attack on her rival figure skater.
Be aggressive. Be, be aggressive!
You ladies have seriously got to start resorting to violence when you don’t like your opponent’s play. Two wrongs do make and right and even if they don’t, they sure do grab the spotlight. Start punching a few people in the face, or biting the occasional ear and your click rate will go through the roof. Trust.
Sydney Swans macho man Barry Hall isn’t afraid to let his fists fly.
Or just pick a sport where hurting people is the whole point and everyone’s a media winner.