• Belle Brockhoff shows of her super powers (Getty Images)Source: Getty Images
Scientific research indicates sporty lesbians possess a range of freaky superpowers. We show you how to spot and exploit their strange talents.
By
Nicky Bryson

Source:
Zela
13 Jul 2016 - 11:25 AM  UPDATED 13 Jul 2016 - 2:28 PM

According to recent research published by the National Council of Fictitious Scientists, athletic lesbians have evolved a unique set of superpowers we can all harness to lift sportswomen from a struggling underclass to a force capable of world domination.

Like Clark Kent, lesbians keep their powers on the downlow so we’ve put together a guide (using cat gifs because those chicks are nuts about cats) to help you spot them and create the ultimate Avengers-style squad of sporty lesbian superfreaks. With this knowledge, your unstoppable teams will soon be deluged with sponsor offers, media opportunities, buckets of money and adoring fans.

Lesbians have shitloads of tattoos

We’re not even kidding you. Lesbians love tattoos. Little-known medical fact: lesbians have an exceedingly high pain threshold, which they flaunt by way of extravagant skin art.

Of course they have unusually short hair

Evolutionarily speaking, lesbians are built for speed (all that running away from pitchfork-wielding homophobes). Over time their ability to grow long hair was lost, as their bodies became more aerodynamic.

Are unbelievably fast

Aerodynamic, remember? If you think you’re watching a lesbian-free sports match, they’re probably evading your gaze by engaging their built-in hyperdrive. Record the action and then watch it frame-by-frame to catch them out.

They have no fear instinct

It’s something to do an enlarged pituitary gland but lesbians literally don’t feel fear which is why they take the big risks. It’s part of a military study at the moment, codenamed LesbianULTRA. You can look it up.

Lesbians convert to add to their ranks

The lesbian gaze contains a powerful homosexuality laser. You can easily identify a lesbian on the field by the higher rates of eye contact she will attempt with players and spectators, shooting gaybeams straight into the cerebral cortex of anyone she catches and instantly expanding the lesbian superclan.

These revelations may seem frightening to you at first but remember lesbians are a fairly harmless species. Peer-reviewed studies suggest lesbians prefer to use their superpowers for good instead of evil. It’s up to us to exploit that for the benefit of women’s sport before it occurs to them to rise up together and enslave the human race. 



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