How often have we heard phrases such as “boys will be boys” or “it’s OK, he just did it because he likes you”, about disrespectful or aggressive behaviour towards girls or women?
Experts say, although these phrases seem harmless on the surface, we are in fact unknowingly normalising aggression as something that is inherent in boys or something that is provoked by girls.
Not all forms of disrespect lead to violence, but all violence against women starts with disrespectful behaviour. We can put an end to this cycle by stopping it at the start.
“Stop it at the start” is a national campaign to break the cycle of all gender-based violence.
Assistant Minister for Social Services and Prevention of Family Violence, Justine Elliot says, we can all play a part, by stopping it at the start.
“Programs like this, Stop it at the Start, are invaluable to helping break the cycle of violence, and they focus on particularly about helping people in the community raise young people especially the 10–17-year-old age group, so they better understand and embody respectful behaviour.”
The campaign began in 2016 after shocking statistics about violence against women and children became available.
“The prevalence of violence is devastatingly high, particularly the rate of intimate partner homicide. We know that on average, one woman is killed by a current or former partner every 10 days. And the only way to see a continued decrease is through a strong national focus on addressing gender inequality and other forms of discrimination and disadvantage.”
The campaign recognises that young people’s behaviours are influenced and shaped by adults, carers, and influencers around them.
Hence, the campaign encourages adults to reflect on their own attitudes and be positive role models.
Dr Rosina McAlpine is a parenting expert and the author of Inspired Children. She says excuses such as “boys will be boys” can shape young people’s views about what is OK and justifies disrespectful behaviour in young people.
“Violence doesn’t just start it grows from being a young child and then moving through adolescents and into adulthood. It’s time to stop the excuses like you know ‘boys will be boys’, ’it’s ok, toughen up buttercup’ all that stuff we say, we have to stop those excuses.”
Having grown up in a home where violence had been passed down from her grandfather to her father, Dr McAlpine has experienced the cycle of violence herself.
“Our father was from a generation where they believed that discipline, corporal punishment was the way to raise good kids. At home our punishment could include my father’s belt, it could include even thin branch off a tree to be used. Sometimes, just a heavy hand. Sometimes, we would need to wear clothing to hide the bruises.”
Dr McAlpine says her mother was of the same generation who believed that fathers should do the disciplining.
What makes breaking such cycle difficult is that, like Dr McAlpine’s father, many who inflict aggressive behaviour, they believe that they are doing the right thing.
Therefore, that cycle can continue because they do not know any other way.
“He really truly with all his heart thought he did the best for us. I don’t condone violence in any way, but I also know that he would say things like, ‘when I was young and growing up, my father used to hit me for no reason. I never hit you for no reason’. So, in his mind, he had moved closer to what would be ideal parenting.”
Dr McAlpine has spent many years researching and sharing supportive parenting approaches, essentially breaking her family’s cycle of violence.
“I learnt little by little what it meant to be a good parent. What supportive parenting looks like. It’s all about educating our children how to be in the world. It’s not about disciplining and punishing and rewarding them for how to be in the world. But giving them those internal compasses, [and] the life skills that they need. So, for me, breaking the cycle was learning how to be a good parent.”
Breaking the cycle is not just about adults reflecting on their own attitudes.
The Assistant Minister says part of the campaign is to encourage active, open and ongoing conversation about respectful relationships and gender equality.
“Young people take great notice of what care adults in their lives say -like their parents and their teachers, and their coaches, and their community leaders and so there are many steps all of us adults can take. Some are small and simple steps such as discussing, you know what could seem like a harmless joke is in fact isn’t. We should have discussion about that, or talking to younger people about having the confidence to speak up when we witness disrespect. So, it’s important to start that dialogue.”
Dr McAlpine says, it is never too early or too late to talk to your children about respect.
“We need to, as teachers, as parents, at every stage not making excuses, stopping and educating, having those conversations around what is respectful behaviour.”
There are many resources provided by the Stop it at the Start campaign, that can help you recognise unintentional excuses, start a conversation, and navigate through your child’s responses.
“Have a look at the respect.gov.au webpage that we have. There is a respect check list, and a conversation guide and are truly important for adults to have a look at that and see how they can engage in conversation with younger people about respect.”
Translated resources in several languages are also available for the culturally and linguistically diverse communities in Australia, says the Assistant Minister.
“Well, we know that often the rates are higher amongst certain groups- in multicultural groups. Also, we have an increased rate with Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander women. And this campaign (Stop it at the Start), has very specific resources for different multicultural groups.”
The leaders of the CALD communities also play an important role in addressing these issues in a culturally sensitive way, says Maria Dimopoulos.
She is the Board Chair of Safe and Equal, a peak body for domestic violence specialist services in Victoria.
“We need to address in a way that recognises the role of culture, the role of settlement and the important ways in which multiculturalism might impact on those experiences. So rather than seek our culture, or faith as a deficit, how do we use those frameworks to build strong and meaningful engagement in our communities, in our shared vision to eliminate violence against women and children.”
The "Stop it at the Start” campaign has entered phase four this year, and the evaluation conducted so far has shown that the campaign is working, says the Assistant Minister
“82 per cent of the people who saw the campaign understood and accepted their role in showing young people how to act respectfully. It’s really vital to reach young people until they form entrenched views and normalise behaviour”
So, let's educate our children about respectful behaviour. By recognising the cycle of violence, we can stop it at the start, and become positive role models.
If you or someone you know is impacted by sexual harassment or assault, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or visit 1800RESPECT.org.au.
In an emergency, call 000.
