Critics hammer Cristiano’s new doco

The reviews for the new Cristiano Ronaldo documentary are in. And they’re not good.

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The documentary will, at this stage, be shown in Australia once at 7pm on Monday November 9th in Event/Village Cinemas across the country.

Some media outlets have managed to get a sneak peak ahead of the release and did not hold back in their criticism.

Writing in The Guardian, Football journalist Daniel Talyor described the film as a ‘remarkable vanity project’.

“The film is a remarkable vanity project and, even more than before, it is difficult not to come away with the feeling that Ronaldo must shout his own name during sex,” Taylor writes.

“Ronaldo comes across as so lonely it is a good job he enjoys his own company so much.

“The film…does at least help us understand Ronaldo some more and the incredible drive that is needed to reach the top of his profession.”

Taylor explains the film’s major focus points are Ronaldo’s relationship with his family and agent Jorge Mendes and his obsession with winning the Ballon D’or.

“Mendes – sharp black suit, Rolex, phone almost permanently to his ear – seems almost as hung up about Ronaldo winning the Ballon d’Or as CR7 himself. It is a 24-7, twitching obsession, on both their parts, given far more relevance throughout the film than Real Madrid’s Décima or anything else,” writes Taylor.

There are some fascinating quotes to come out of this movie according to Taylor.

On Lionel Messi’s four Ballon d’Ors in a row, the Real Madrid superstar says; “after he won the second and third I thought to myself: ‘I’m not coming here again.’”

On why he went to the World Cup carrying an injury; “If we had two or three Cristiano Ronaldos in the team I would feel more comfortable. But we don’t.”

On his friends in football; “In football I don’t have a lot of friends. People I really trust? Not many. Most of the time I’m alone. I consider myself an isolated person.”

On Messi; “I’ve started seeing him as a person, not a rival, but we are always busting our balls to see who is better.”

Alan Tyers, a sports columnist for The Telegraph, was a little more positive of the film, if not its subject.

“Clearly a man who regards even brushing his teeth as nothing more or less than a chance to show off his perfect hair, sculpted bod and bulging (pay) packet was hardly going to submit to a warts-and-all,” writes Tyers.

“And yet, it is testament to the skill of the makers of Ronaldo that, lurking at the edge of the frame, is an insightful and rather sad portrait of addiction, loneliness and a yearning to fill a hole that can never be filled.”

“Perhaps it’s too glib to say an addiction to winning and polishing his legend (and pecs) are Ronaldo’s own compulsions, but a picture emerges of a driven, lonely, loyal and rather sympathetic figure striving to distract dad from the drink with all these trophies but, ultimately, knowing that it is too late. See it: you will like, and understand, this great player more.”

Vice Sports was similarly critical but advised fans to still go see it.

“Still, there's little doubt that the goal here is to further the Ronaldo brand as opposed to tell, in detail, the true Ronaldo story. Without question this is an enjoyable and skilfully crafted romp through the major ups and downs of a very public life. Not once are you left feeling bored or disengaged, but the whole thing leaves you with more questions than answers,” writes John Robertson.

Finally documentary reviewer, and one of the few critics who seems to have no interest in football, Wendy Ide gave the film two stars out of five.

“The film-makers may have been granted unprecedented access to the inner circle of one of the world’s top footballers, Cristiano Ronaldo, but the result, a carefully controlled and meticulously sanitised hagiography, is as airbrushed and groomed as its subject,” Ide writes in the Guardian

“One imagines that entry into Ronaldo’s gilded world cost multi-Bafta-winning director Anthony Wonke much of the creative freedom that he would usually expect on a project.

“But other aspects of the footballer’s life – personal relationships, scandals – remain strictly off-limits. As such, this is for fans only.

“Unlike Senna, for example, this is not a film that will interest anyone remotely ambivalent about the sport in question.”