"What determines your success isn’t, ‘What do you want to enjoy?’ The relevant question is, ‘What pain do you want to sustain?’ […] Who you are is defined by what you’re willing to struggle for.”
In a world that rewards instant gratification and the endless pursuit of pleasure, it’s hard to imagine a stranger call-to-arms — especially half-way through a book in the cloyingly positive genre of self-help. But for Mark Manson, the Internet entrepreneur and New York Times-bestselling author of the The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F---, this no-holds-barred honesty has hit a nerve with a generation of readers. Especially those for whom the Internet-era pressure to put your best self forward is quickly losing its sheen.
Pain is important and changing who you are is difficult, painful and scary. Most of the self-help industry sees change as this euphoric, liberating thing and tells you that you can be happy all the time. I think the opposite.
“The original inspiration was that I felt very strongly that there needed to be a self-help book about pain,” laughs Manson, 33, who gave up a job he hated in finance to become a hugely popular blogger and who’s sold 100,000 copies in Australia alone. “Pain is important and changing who you are is difficult, painful and scary. Most of the self-help industry sees change as this euphoric, liberating thing and tells you that you can be happy all the time. I think the opposite.”
The Subtle Art – which weaves anecdotes from Manson’s life with references to cultural figures such as Charles Bukowski, Pablo Picasso and Hiroo Onoda, the Japanese World War II soldier who took three decades to surrender– argues that it’s impossible to make progress without learning to fail. He also believes that identifying our values — whether they revolve around freedom, creativity or family — is like choosing a “destination on a map.” Living by them means that we’re less likely to be swayed by the trappings of our cultural moment, such as the dangerous urge to compare ourselves to others.
“I think it’s always been normal for humans to compare themselves to each other but we’re so hyper-connected all the time now that it’s driving us insane,” says Manson, who’s in Australia for shows in Melbourne and Sydney hosted by The School of Life.
“After a while, we don’t even notice that we’re doing it. I see a beautiful beach in Africa and tell myself, ‘yes, I want to go!’ and then it’s like ‘no, actually I don’t!’ I think we’re only just realising as a culture that we really need to manage social media and be very conscious about it.
“[At the moment] curating, hiding and unfollowing people I’m not getting a lot from is really helping me. There are programs you can use to shut out your newsfeed. It’s something that I struggle with, too.”
Although The Subtle Art is not without its problems — its stream of F-bombs can sometimes seem gimmicky, its exhortation to abandon the quest for greatness simple only if history has anointed you great by default — it isn’t short on compelling ideas. The notion that meaningful connections involve commitment and sacrifice and choosing a path that matters to you means forgoing other options is a powerful antidote to a culture that promises us infinite choice.
[At the moment] curating, hiding and unfollowing people I’m not getting a lot from is really helping me. There are programs you can use to shut out your newsfeed. It’s something that I struggle with, too.
Manson says that this focus on organising your life around meaning, also a philosophy of Marie Kondo, resonates powerfully with audiences right now.
“There’s a famous book called the Paradox of Choice that argues that the more choices you give people the less satisfied they become,” he says. “The irony is to have a meaningful connection, you have to commit, you have to satisfy yourself. We’re not accustomed to judging things on philosophical importance.
“My whole goal with this book was to ask people to question themselves, their intentions and motivations. I don’t want to push my values onto people and understand that most people aren’t going to have the same idea of success as I do. Success is self-defined. You can choose what you think success is and you can always change your mind.”
Mark Manson speaks at the Melbourne Town Hall at 7pm on September 18.
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