In case you missed it, a woman, whose allergy to mushrooms is so serious she can’t be in the same room as them or it could end in death, wrote to the Agony Aunt of New York Magazine - Dear Polly – last week, because her in-laws kept adding mushrooms to their meals every time she came over.
At one point, they went so far as to add mushroom powder to mash potatoes, something a few hundred people on Twitter described in various comments as galling.
The letter – which Dear Polly herself said was the most unhinged she had ever seen - quickly went viral.
The fixation the in-laws had with doling out mushrooms led to fights so bad the woman and her husband have had to sever ties with his family. As the woman explained:
“Short of taking them a doctor’s note, telling them my allergy is real, I’m not sure what to do. My husband supports me 100 per cent, and he is very angry and hurt by their actions. But at times I feel terrible that I am the cause of this rift, and I just want a happy family.”
Polly called it psychotic.
But maybe it’s a metaphor for our times.
The reason, it seems to me, that the in-laws kept serving mushrooms is that they were testing the woman - they simply did not believe her. They saw it not as a medical condition, but an excuse not to follow rules - to be exempt, special.
They saw it not as a medical condition, but an excuse not to follow rules - to be exempt, special.
How often do older, conservative members of families do this? Let me tell you: a lot.
When my son was first diagnosed with autism, some of the older family members were unconvinced. This, despite his diagnosis from a registered psychologist who specialises in autism, a speech pathologist and a doctor. My relatives wanted a “proper look” at him and would determine for themselves. “People these days are so quick to label everyone” is how the relative described their resistance to the truth.
This has been the most dramatic example in my own family, but there are others. I remember once explaining to another relative that the Kenny Rogers song, “Coward of the County” carries a mention of gang rape in the lyrics. Surprising and horrifying but true.
“No” he told me. “I don’t think so.” Our light-hearted debate went on for five minutes. He was immovable.
One of the many problems with this attitude is that other, more vulnerable members start to internalise blame and disbelief. We see it with the poor mushroom woman: “I am the cause of this rift.”
One of the many problems with this attitude is that other, more vulnerable members start to internalise blame and disbelief. We see it with the poor mushroom woman: “I am the cause of this rift.”
And sometimes - whether we are talking about gross misconduct or plain old ordinary mushrooms - it’s easier, when people closest to you don’t believe you, to stop believing your own story will ever be heard, internalise their shame, and effectively, victim blame yourself.
The woman offers sending them a doctor’s note as a means of proof, but it won’t do any good. Don’t we all have a relative we’ve tried to convince with what we considered irrefutable proof, only to have them question the source and dismiss it as “fake news”?
These familial wars are never won on facts. Because, facts are new information.
These familial wars are never won on facts. Because, facts are new information.
The solution might be found among those who treat addicts. Addicts, after all, are living in their own reality, where facts - hurtful thought they are to their loved ones – are irrelevant to them. These psychologists use the motto “detach with love”.
What that means, is entirely up to the person affected by the addict. It could mean nodding and smiling before changing the subject. It could mean staying only for five minutes or not turning up at all. And if your life is at stake, as it is with the mushroom allergy woman, it might be ok to accept these people and their beliefs as they are, forgive them if she can, and, in an act of deep self-care, walk away for good.
