Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets is a lot of things to a lot of people.
For fans of the French comic on which it’s based, Valerian and Laureline, it’s a long-awaited childhood dream – as it is for the film’s writer/director, Luc Besson.
For science fiction fans, it’s a dazzling spectacle. A veritable feast for the senses, filled with multi-coloured, marble-crapping armadillos, Avatar-ish aliens twirling around on their paradise planet and a trio of aliens that look like Howard the Duck, another classic science fiction masterpiece.
It’s also stuffed with some of the most preposterous dialogue of modern cinema.
Listen to Nick and Fiona go to their corners on Valerian (and talk to Luc Besson) on The Playlist:
We’re talking seriously painful howlers like…
“Showtime!” (Um…)
“Are we clear?”
(Don’t you dare say it. Don’t…)
“Crystal.”
(Oh God…)
“Stay with me, Valerian, come on!” (aka “Don’t you die on me!”?)
And…
“I’ve got a bad feeling about this idea.” (And I’ve got a bad feeling this line was in Star Wars a million times.)
Given the flabbergasting nature of some of this stuff, it may be a good idea to brush up on the lines of dialogue that should not be used under any circumstances in any movie going forward, if not in perpetuity, then at least for the next 100 years.
“I’m too old for this sh*t.”
“We’ve got company!”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!”
“Sir… you better take a look at this.”
“I thought I told you to wait in the car.”
“Showtime!”
“I don’t know you anymore. You’ve changed.”
“Cover me. I’m going in.”
“Don’t you die on me!”
“I’m not leaving you.” / “Go on without me!”
“She’s right behind me, isn’t she?”
“I didn’t sign up for this.”
“There’s a storm coming.”
“Try to get some sleep.”
“You just don’t get it, do you?”
“We’re not so different, you and I.”
“No time to explain!”
“Is that all you got?”
“We need to talk.”
“It’s not what it looks like.”
What about you? What movie lines will you no longer tolerate? Don’t keep that rage inside. Tell the world!
