Hear me out.
Our present pope, popular as he is, can surely not expect to be pope forever. Whereas Donald Trump is immortal, and knows it. Why else would he behave as he does?
It is not such a far-fetched idea to suggest that he should be gunning for the Chair of St. Peter instead of the puny, tiny, not-at-all classy chair in the Oval Office. Which is more Trump to you, a small chair where losers like Jimmy Carter have sat in their time, or a huge, beautiful chair where you are always right?
Please.
This man was born to be pope.
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Now the papacy doesn't win any more. Masses in English, giving to the poor - just giving things away to them, not even trying to make deals of any kind. Handouts, charity. Pssh! Just throwing away blessings and absolutions when you could be making billions from the sale of indulgences. Letting the little children come unto you - children of all faiths! - before those children have been properly vetted.
Give me a break.
Not only would Trump fix it, but also he'd fit right in. They nominate the next pope by blowing smoke of a particular color out through the chimney of the college of cardinals. Trump is accustomed to blowing smoke.
St. Peter's Basilica is Huge and Great and Classy - a bit of a downgrade from the Trump Taj Mahal, but still respectable, in its way, considering how few surfaces are brass.
Trump is what is needed to Make the Papacy Great Again, the way it was in the days when popes were popes, like the Borgias. This is either our Vatican or it isn't. Where's the temporal power that used to make things tick? The Vatican should be run like a business. And speak Latin, if you're going to set foot here, within the huge, beautiful wall.
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Look, Trump has the qualities of a spiritual leader. Trump is better at not judging than anyone. At least, he is this week: "No leader, especially a religious leader, should have the right to question another man's religion or faith." He was not last week: "How can Ted Cruz be an Evangelical Christian when he lies so much and is dishonest?" But hey, a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds.
Besides, he is on the record, as my colleague Catherine Rampell points out, as being the Most Humble of anyone out there. "I do have actually much more humility than a lot of people would think," he told John Dickerson on 'Face the Nation.' The pope only has as much humility as you would expect.
Trump has made the case already, in his retort to the pope, that the pope is doing a bad job. Why not take the next step and claim the Holy See for himself?
Trump could do this so much better. And we should encourage him to do so.
The pope, like Aladdin's genie, possesses Phenomenal Cosmic Power coupled with itty-bitty living space (there are postage stamps larger than the Vatican, I believe). If we can just convince Donald Trump that this is what he wants, instead of the presidency - we may be able to dodge this yet.
Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of 'A Field Guide to Awkward Silences'.
