Luke Hodge is a country bumpkin, the fat and slow one who would have been a Colac garbo without his AFL career.
Hodge had no argument when those unflattering - and highly amusing - assessments were raised at Monday's retirement announcement.
After all, who cares?
Hodge is also one of the greatest players in AFL history.
The former Hawthorn captain and four-time premiership star has confirmed this is his last season.
He made the announcement ahead of his 300th game this Saturday against fierce rivals Geelong.
It will mark the end of an era, with Hodge the last of the three priority picks who highlighted the 2001 super draft.
Hodge was No.1 ahead of St Kilda and Collingwood star Luke Ball, with West Coast and Carlton great Chris Judd next - all premiership players.
Hawks coach Alastair Clarkson sat next to Hodge at Monday's media conference and was merciless.
"I wouldn't have thought you were going to be the last one left," Clarkson offered when Hodge was asked about 2001.
Hodge replied: "my uncle actually summed it up when Juddy retired - 'who would have guessed the fat, slow one is still going?'."
Hodge remembered former Hawks fitness coach Andrew Russell calling him the most unprofessional person that Russell had seen.
Hodge was asked what he might have been without an AFL career.
That was the cue for Clarkson to offer "Colac garbo".
"That got a few more laughs than I wanted," Hodge said.
And the Colac kid had to learn the hard way, with Clarkson nominating Hodge's 21st birthday as the key lightbulb moment.
Hodge missed training the following Monday and was suspended for one game.
"His (Clarkson's) words were 'the punishment doesn't fit the crime, but we have a bigger picture here that we have to look towards' and I couldn't argue with him at all," Hodge said.
The Hawks coach said Hodge became a once in a generation player, renowned above all else for putting his club and teammates first.
Clarkson, himself from Ballarat, called him a country bumpkin half in jest, half in admiration for Hodge's solid values.
He noted that Hodge turned a potential 200-game career into 300 with how well he has looked after himself in the last few years.
"He's benefitted from that, but so has our footy club, enormously," Clarkson said.
As the 21st incident suggests, Hodge is no clean skin - two years ago, he was caught drink driving before the finals series.
But he has no regrets.
"I'm a big believer that if you make mistakes, you learn from your mistakes," he said.
"If you went through life, if you went through a career and you haven't made many mistakes, it would be a pretty boring career or life."
Hodge still loves the game and is in good shape, but wants to give the Hawks the chance to further develop their youth.
As wife Lauren and children Cooper, Chase and Leo looked on, Hodge said he would speak to his family before deciding what to do next.
With fellow former captain Sam Mitchell and Jordan Lewis also gone, the next big questions for Hawthorn will be when Josh Gibson and Shaun Burgyone retire.
