For Belinda Neil, it was the unwavering fear her children would be kidnapped and held hostage.
For Karen Davis, a mere sniffle from her child would have her in a mad rush for the hospital, fearing imminent death.
For other NSW police, the effects of post-traumatic stress disorder are painfully vivid - hallucinations of blood-covered walls, dead bodies and strewn limbs.
The consequences of PTSD and the challenges retired officers face against insurance companies were aired at a forum at NSW Parliament on Tuesday.
Ms Neil worked in the homicide squad and as a hostage negotiator before she retired in 2005.
Her close friend, Ms Davis, who dealt with countless deaths while stationed in the inner city, was not far behind her after also suffering PTSD.
Ms Neil believes the system for dealing with traumatised officers is not working.
"This is why we have people suiciding. They are finding it difficult to jump through all these hoops," she told AAP.
"Some of them are not even going ahead with their claims because it's just too stressful."
Ms Neil has called for early intervention measures, such as tracking the trauma officers face and removing the disorder's stigma in the police force.
Retired officers spoke of their battle with the insurance companies assessing their claims for compensation.
Many said an insurer put them under surveillance, filming them as they left their homes for everyday activities, to show they were not sick.
Psychiatrist Dr Hugh Morgan said the surveillance was "relentless and abominable" and it distressed his clients even further.
Audience members sobbed as Deborah Ryan explained the pain of losing her detective husband to PTSD.
Ashley Bryant took his own life in northern NSW last year after a battle with PTSD.
Ms Bryant said she last saw her husband in his psychologist's office when he said he could not cope any longer.
"And then only a short number of hours later I received a message he was at Minyon Falls and I knew that he was going to end his life," she recounted tearfully.
"And there was nothing I could do.
"I don't know what the future is for me and my children and I am scared to death of that."
Ms Bryant is pushing for the names of police officers who have committed suicide to be included on the national police honour roll.
* Readers seeking support and information about suicide prevention can contact Lifeline on 13 11 14.
