I've worked with families of missing people for 25 years. Here's how uncertainty feels

The surging death count from the devastating flash floods that hit Nepal and Tibet on 26 August has passed 1000.

At least 42 Australians are among more than 4,000 people still “unaccounted for”. But this phrase “unaccounted” — frequently used in media reports — can split the problem too simply: people are either lost or yet to be found.

For many families waiting for news, this gap between uncertainty and despair is ambiguous — and it’s agonising. There is no guarantee news will ever come.

So, how can people missing loved ones make sense of this traumatic experience while the search continues? And what kind of support will they need?

I have been working with families of missing people for more than 25 years. Here’s what I’ve learnt about their experiences of ambiguous loss.

What is ambiguous loss?

Ambiguous loss describes an ongoing loss without a resolution or closure. It can affect how people feel and behave, and the kind of support they will need.

While waiting for news of their loved ones in Nepal and Tibet, people will be grappling with the shock and trauma of how the disappearance unfolded, and the scale of the disaster. They will also be facing uncertainty and fear about how long they will be on this path.

When living with an ambiguous loss, it is common to oscillate between hopeful thinking and moments of hopelessness.

People may feel frozen to the time they learned the news, replay their last conversations with that person, or repetitively think up new ways to search and find them.

Families in Australia may also feel helpless being so far away, especially as the Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade has asked people to reconsider travelling to the affected areas to look for people who are out of contact. They may feel excluded from searching because they can’t travel to the region.

They may also experience physical and emotional agitation, feel sick in the stomach, or be restless from the need to constantly be on alert for information updates.

Validate both hope and hopelessness

When observing how people respond to a missing loved one, it can seem to others that families aren't embracing reality. This might look like clinging to ideas that someone is alive, against the odds, or hoping for a miracle in unlikely circumstances.

This isn’t a family’s decision to not confront the reality, but a normal response to incomprehensible and traumatic situations.

Social workers who work in the field of missing persons learn to encourage families to respond however they need— even if that changes minute by minute.

For many people, surges of hope sustain us in times of crisis and can be a strategy to survive uncertainty. Families not wanting to discuss the potential for a devastating outcome should not be framed as harboring "false hope", but as implementing a boundary that needs to be respected.

For others, there will be comfort in naming fears and imagining the worst. This allows them to voice the private stories that may be echoing in their minds, as they wait for news. While having someone missing is not a dress rehearsal for the grief that may be ahead, speaking the truth about the potential outcomes of a search, can make people feel less alone.

It’s important for people waiting for news to have safe spaces to discuss what they’re feeling and fearing, without judgement.

These private conversations might differ from public narratives (in the media or amid search efforts) which may focus on staying positive and be strength-based.

How to support families of missing people

Don’t speculate.

As a friend or supporter, it's not your job to tell people how to survive this moment. And speculating about possible outcomes can be cruel and unhelpful. Offering compassion and allowing yourself to be guided by what they say and want to talk about is key.

Don’t tell them to ‘switch off'.

It may feel tempting to suggest friends or families turn away from traumatic news coverage. But this idea can feel impossible for those affected.

Instead, you could offer to consume news on their behalf, or take responsibility for answering phones or responding to messages. This may give them a small moment of respite.

Encourage them to channel their physical reactions to uncertainty.

People waiting for news, far away from the disaster, may be feeling agitated and constantly on alert. Even a short walk around the block or a few minutes of stretching can help manage the constant rush of adrenaline.

Sensory activities that ground you — such as naming something you can hear, see and feel — can also provide simple moments of certainty.

It’s OK to suggest self-care, but it’s best to do it gently and take their lead on what they might need. Attending to all of those activities that simply keep people functioning daily — sleeping, eating, showering — can also be important reminders.

The bottom line

When people are experiencing ambiguous loss, they need people around them to show compassion and be flexible, as they survive this moment. They may need to focus on just getting through the night, the hour, or even the next five minutes.

If you’re supporting someone waiting for news, take care of yourself too. For support options reach out to the National Missing Persons Coordination Centre, which is part of the Australian Federal Police.

Sarah Wayland is a professor of social work at CQUniversity Australia.

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