Survivor's blog: Hell on Utoeya

This blog post was written by Prableen Kaur following the shooting massacre at the Norwegian Labour Party's annual youth summer camp on the island of Utoeya.

I am awake. I can't sleep anymore. I am sitting in the living room. I feel sorrow, anger, happiness, God I don't know what. There are too many feelings. Too many thoughts going through my head. I am afraid. Even the smallest noise makes me jump with fear. I want to write about what happened on Utoeya. What my eyes saw, what I felt, what I did. My words come straight from the heart, but I have anonymised a lot of names out of respect for my friends.

We had just attended a crisis briefing meeting in the main building, where we were told about the explosion in Oslo. This meeting was followed by a gathering solely for the members from Akershus and Oslo. After both meetings, a lot of people were both inside and around the main building. We found comfort in the fact that at least we were safe, being on an island. No one knew that hell was about to break loose where we were as well.

I was standing by the main entrance when the panic broke out. I heard shots. I could see him shooting. Everybody started to run. My first thought was: “Why the is the police shooting at us? What the hell?!” I ran into one of the conference rooms. People ran. Screamed. I was scared. I managed to get into one of the rooms at the back of the building. There were many of us in that room. We were lying on the floor. We heard several gunshots. Got even more afraid. I cried. I couldn't understand what was happening. I could see my best friend through the window and considered going outside to get him into safety with me. I didn't make it. I could see the fear in his eyes. We stayed on the floor for a few minutes. We agreed not to let any more people inside, in case the murderer showed up. We heard more gunshots and decided to jump out of the window. Everyone panicked. Everyone rushed to the window and tried to jump out. I was the last one and I was thinking: "I am the last one to jump out of this window. I am going to die. But maybe that's a good thing because I know the others are safe".

I threw my bag out of the window. I tried to climb down but slipped and hit the ground hard, landing on my left side. A boy helped me up. We ran into the woods. I looked around. “Is he here? Is he aiming at me? Can he see me?”. One girl had broken her ankle. Another girl was severely injured. I tried to help out a bit before heading down to the water. I sought cover behind some kind of concrete wall. There were many of us. I prayed, prayed, prayed. I was hoping that God saw me. I called my mum and told her that we might not see each other again, but that I would do my best to survive. I told her I loved her over and over again. I could hear the fear in her voice. She was crying. It hurt.

I sent a text message to my dad, telling him I loved him. I also sent another text to a person I care about a lot. We texted back and forth a bit. I sent a text message to my best friend. He didn't reply. We heard more gunshots. Crept closer together. We did all we could to stay warm. So many thoughts went through my mind. I was so scared. Dad called me, I cried, telling him that I loved him. He told me he was on his way, with my brother, to would pick me up when I got off the island. There was so many feelings. I prayed all I could.

Time passed. The others called their parents as well, and after a while everyone started texting out of fear that the murderer would hear us. I was thinking about my sister who is travelling. I wanted to let her know what was going on, what was happening to me. I updated my Facebook status and Twitter, stating that I was still alive and “safe”. I wrote that I was waiting for the police to arrive. People started jumping into the water, began to swim towards the mainland. I stayed put. I decided that if he showed up, I would play dead. I decided not to run or swim. I can't describe the fear, the thoughts, what I was feeling at this point.

A man showed up. “I'm from the police.” I stayed on the ground. Somebody shouted to him that he needed to prove it. I don't remember what he said, but the murderer began shooting. He reloaded. Fired more shots. He shot the people around me. I stayed on the ground. I was thinking: “This is it. He's here. He will get me. I am going to die. People were screaming. I heard some getting shot. Others jumped into the water. I was still lying there. My mobile in my hand. I was lying across the legs of one girl. Two others were lying over my legs. I remained lying down. My mobile rung several times and text messages kept coming in. I stayed put, playing dead. I was there for at least an hour. It was completely quiet. I turned my head carefully to see if I could see if anyone was alive. I saw corpses. I saw blood. Fear. I decided to get up. I had been lying across a dead person. Two corpses were on top of me. A guardian angel must have been watching over me.

I didn't know if he would be back. I didn't have the courage to check my phone to find out who had called and texted me. I rushed down towards the water. Took my sweater off. It was big. I was thinking it would be hard to swim while wearing it. I debated whether to take my mobile with me or to leave it behind. I put it in my back pocket and jumped into the water. There were several other people in the water, they had already swum a long distance. I could see that some had gathered next to what looked like some sort of floating device. Plenty of boats were picking up the people swimming. I swam, and I swam and I swam towards the floating device. I was screaming. Crying. Got cold. Wondering when I would drown. It got harder and harder. I prayed. I kept swimming. My arms got tired. I decided to change my swimming technique, swimming on my back just using my legs. I was sinking. I went back to breast stroke. For a while it seemed like the floatation device was moving away from me. I screamed. Begged them to wait for me. I may have been hallucinating. I swam a couple of hundred metres more before reaching the floatation device. We talked a bit. Told each other our names and where we come from. When the boats came close by, we screamed out for help, but they rescued the ones that were still swimming first. A man with a boat finally approached us. He threw life vests to us. I caught one. Put it on. I hung on to the floatation device until he came back to pick us up. We all got into the boat, and he started heading towards land. After a while his small boat started to take in water. I did everything I could to get as much water as possible out of the boat. I got tired. Another girl took over. We made it to land. We were given blankets. Tears started streaming down my face. I cried. A lady hugged me. It felt so good. I cried loudly. I gasped for breath. A man lent me his phone, and I quickly called my dad: “I am alive. I made it. I am safe.” I hung up. Cried some more.

We had to walk for a bit. Complete strangers picked us up in their cars and drove us to Sundvollen hotel. I ran in to see if I could see my best friend. I couldn't see him anywhere. I saw a girlfriend. I bawled. We hugged each other. It felt great. I walked around looking for my friends. My heart was pounding heavily in my chest. I cried some more. I registered with the police and went through the lists. I didn't know if my best friend was alive. I went through all the lists. I couldn't find his name anywhere. I was afraid. I was given a doona. Took my wet socks off. I was half naked. Someone gave me a jacket. I tried to make sense of what I had gone through. I contacted my parents again. My dad and my big brother were on their way to pick me up. I had some hot cocoa. I sat down. Thinking. Crying. Saw some more friends. Hugged them. Cried. Somebody lent me their laptop. I updated Facebook and Twitter again saying I was safe.

I spent several hours at the hotel before my family arrived. I was looking for people I knew. I talked to a priest. I told him about the things that I had seen. It was a good conversation. A man from the Red Cross had a look at my wounds. Cleaned them. Time went by. I was with some of my friends. Everybody was talking about the same thing. How we had survived. What had happened. I kept asking people if they had seen my best friend. No one had seen him. I got scared. Thinking that it was my fault for not sticking with him. A friend of mine got a key for a hotel room. We sat down, watched the news. It was anger, sorrow, so many feelings.

Dad called, they had arrived. I took the lift downstairs. Ran outside to them. I hugged my dad and big brother for a long time. I was crying loudly. My brother cried as well. It was a good moment. I suddenly spotted someone who looked like my best friend. I called out his name. He turned around. It was him.

We hugged for a long time. Both of us were crying, asking each other how we had survived. After a while I signed out with the police, so that I could go home. We gave some other people a lift. My best friend came home with us. His brother was waiting for him at our house. It was a whole bunch of people which had gathered at my house. They didn't want to leave until they knew I was OK. We talked for a while. I had a glass of juice. Had some yoghurt. I talked some more with mom and my family. I called my best girlfriend. We had a good talk. She said: “I wasn't sure if I would ever get this call.” The tears started running down my face again. We talked for a bit. Afterwards, I went to bed. It was 3am. My mom refused to let me sleep alone, so we slept in the same room.

It has now been while since everything happened. I am still in shock. All the feelings have not sunk in yet. I have seen the corpses of friends. Several of my friends are still missing. I am happy that I can swim. I am happy that I am alive. That God protected me. I have so many feelings, so many thoughts. My thoughts go out to those affected. To everyone that I have lost. I think about the hell that is and was on the island.

The most beautiful summer adventure is transformed into Norway's worst nightmare.

The original article, in Norwegian, can be found here.