We laughed. We mocked. We called them nerds, we called them hipsters, we called them brainless lemmings of the iCult marketing machine. And through it all, they stood tall. And today they have been rewarded.
Footage is difficult to source and discern, being filmed on the now-obsolete video cameras on the iPhone 5, but early reports have confirmed that Jesus himself has returned, appearing as the doors of the Apple Store in George St Sydney opened at 9am, the first location in the world where the new iPhone was for sale.
Emerging from a sleek cloud of pure white with no sharp edges, Jesus stood atop the Genius Bar to address his faithful followers. Despite eschewing his traditional white robes and long flowing locks for an asymmetrical undercut and a blue t-shirt adorned with a multitude of lanyards, the crowds recognised him for who he was immediately and fell to their knees.
“My people,” he spake, in hushed tones. My apostles. You alone have followed the light. You alone have not abandoned me. You are my children. And now you shall be rewarded.
Jesus called his fellow geniuses to him and said; ‘I have compassion for these people; they have already been with me three days, and have no phones. I do not want to send them away, or they may collapse or miss out on things on twitter.
"How many phones do you have?" Jesus asked.
"Five," they replied, "and a few small chargers."
Jesus told the crowd to sit down on the ground. Then he took the seven phones and the chargers, and when he had given thanks, he gave them to the disciples, and they in turn to the people. They all got one and were satisfied. Afterward the disciples picked up seven cartons of phones that were left over. The number of those who bought phones were four thousand, besides pre-orders and old people. After Jesus had sent the crowd away, he got into a taxi and went to the movies to see Guardians Of The Galaxy.
As the rest of humanity curses our ignorance, all we have to console ourselves in our old, clumsy phones, and reminders like this of times that have come before.
