I was scrolling through Facebook one night when my mouth fell open and my thumb paused on a post from a close friend. The post was a full-frontal nude photo of her – except she hadn’t uploaded it. Her ex-boyfriend did.
I am deeply ashamed to admit this, but I didn’t reach out to my friend and check-in on her. Instead, I was self-righteous: I told Kelly* not to meet random people off the apps! This is what you’ll get – hacked and nude photos leaked.
I was 18 and much like my grandma, a prude. I was also a victim-blamer with a serious case of internalised misogyny… something I didn’t realise then.
I remember self-righteously telling my friends: “It’s because Kelly has such trash taste in men. This would never happen to me because I always pick the right guys.”
But fast forward three years later and the same thing did happen to me.
But fast forward three years later and the same thing did happen to me.
I was 21 and severely single. I wasn’t meeting anyone let alone the right guy. My love and sex life were both woefully non-existent. Everyone, except for me, seemed to have exciting stories to share at brunch à la Sex and the City. I wanted excitement, to have saucy stories up my sleeve too.
So I downloaded Tinder and joined hook-up culture.
Shortly after, I matched with Joseph*, 20.
We were both living at home with parents so Joseph picked me up one night and said we could chill in his dad’s caravan.
Joseph was better looking than his photos. We talked about the extra-curricular activities we did at school. I found it endearing when Joseph told me he quit cricket and tennis in year 11 to focus on debating and chess.
Soon we were kissing. After we were both undressed, Joseph pointed to the entrance of the caravan and told me to, “Stand over there.”
I didn’t even question or consider his request. I just mindlessly did as he instructed.
Later in the night, Joseph whipped out his phone. He was on Snapchat and I saw that he had shared a photo of my backside.
I wish I had gotten angry. Instead, not wanting to be a killjoy by showing how upset I was, I asked him meekly, “Did you just send a snap of me to your friends?”
Joseph was immediately defensive. He convinced me that unlike other guys, he was one of the good ones because at least he made sure my face wasn’t in it.
I naively accepted his warped explanation that it wasn't wrong of him to share a nude photo of me – without my knowledge or permission – since he had at least taken steps to conceal my identity.
I continued meeting up with Joseph and every time, he would take a photo of me from behind - naked - to share with his boys’ group on Snapchat.
I continued meeting up with Joseph and every time, he would take a photo of me from behind - naked - to share with his boys’ group on Snapchat.
Once, he showed me the activity in his Snapchat group. What I saw sickened me: a video of a woman performing fellatio, seemingly unaware that she was being filmed. Next was a video showing two women being led into a room with the caption, “it’s threesome o’clock time”.
Joseph explained to me that his Snapchat group functioned as a platform for him and his male friends to brag about their various sexual conquests. It was a competitive sport for them. Each young man would send, in real time, photographic evidence of their sexual activity. Sharing snaps of the women they had sexual encounters with bolstered their sense of masculinity.
I only realised how disgusting and wrong Joseph’s behaviour was when I told a friend that I felt uncomfortable when he’d send nude photos – even if it was just of my bare backside – to his boys’ Snapchat group. My friend was outraged on my behalf.
I tried to rationalise his behaviour, “But it’s not like I expressly asked him to stop…”
I tried to rationalise his behaviour, “But it’s not like I expressly asked him to stop…”
“YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE TO!” my friend bellowed.
I became angry too and blocked Joseph’s number since I wasn’t brave enough to confront him.
Joseph never saw me as a person – he saw me as an object to enhance his status in his group's Snapchat sex bragging game.
It was starting to sink in, how violated I felt. Every time I thought about the photos of me that Joseph took and shared without my consent, I got boilingly mad. But I was also mad at myself for not speaking up and having self-respect. For allowing myself to be treated this way.
Thankfully, I eventually learned to stop blaming myself and to instead blame the culture of toxic masculinity that teaches men that they are entitled to our bodies.
Why should we, women, shoulder the burden for men acting like trash? It's been a long journey for me to finally dismantle the misogyny I've internalised but better late than never.
*pseudonyms have been used.
Parents and teachers looking for more information can visit the eSafety Commissioner website and SBS Learn.
If you or someone you know is impacted by sexual assault/abuse or family violence, call 1800 RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or visit www.1800RESPECT.org.au. In an emergency call 000.
