Life is messy. Which is a big part of what makes gloriously queer, seriously out-there What it Feels Like For a Girl one of the richest shows of the year.
For star Ellis Howard, it was vital to stay true to the show’s creator, proud transwoman Paris Lees, on whose warts-and-all memoir it’s based. “I really wanted to do the book a tremendous service, because it felt so important and raw,” Howard says. “It’s also written in this really heavy dialect, so the working-class-ness of it spoke to me too.”
As a Scouser (person from Liverpool in the north of England), Howard plays a version of Lees’ truth as Hucknall-based teenager Byron. It details them stumbling chaotically from the drudgery of a small-town life rife with bigoted violence, towards bright city lights and, ultimately, transition. All via the literal highs and behind-bars lows that lie in wait.
“What Paris did, so bravely, in writing this, is that she never tried to teach us a lesson,” the 28-year-old who seamlessly passes for 15 (Byron’s age) says.
Howard hopes its open-hearted approach to Lees’ lived reality makes folks think. If a society violently shuns queer people, where do they turn for respite?
“When I was reading the script, I thought, ‘God, what has happened in society that allows these things to happen?’” Howard says. “Why are these men in public toilets? Why are these teenagers in such vulnerable positions, actively seeking danger? Why is this the only place that they feel wanted, validated and loved?”
It’s on the viewer to figure that out. “In not giving you any conclusions, What it Feels Like For a Girl demands that you ask yourself some very important, probing and confronting questions,” Howard says. “The nerve of that is astounding.”
Ellis Howard as Byron. Credit: BBC / Hera / Enda Bowe
Much like ground-breaking shows such Queer as Folk or I May Destroy You, Howard suggests. “They don’t hold your hand. They throw you right into the deep end and let you sit in it, forced to think about the world critically. It’s alive and it feels dangerous.”
Tough love
As Byron pushes back against their separated parents’ expectations of gender in What it Feels Like For a Girl, they embrace a found family of LGBTQIA+ club kids who are fiercely themselves.
“Community is incredibly important,” Howard says. “But what I love about the show is that community is not a neat little bow. They claw chunks out of each other, then they love and protect each other. There’s a camaraderie that comes when you feel othered.”
L-R: Laquarn Lewis as Lady Die, Hannah Jones as Sash, Ellis Howard as Byron, Alex Thomas-Smith as Sticky Nikki and Adam Ali as Dirty Damian. Credit: Hera Pictures / BBC / Enda Bowe
Folks will get hurt along the way. “It’s so funny that as an actor, I have to feel like I’m always Byron, so I’m obviously trying to make sense in my head as to why I do what I do in the show,” Howard says, flashing a wry smile.
“Then people watch it and go, ‘God, Byron’s such a dickhead.’ And they absolutely are. It’s part of their magnetism that they are so self-destructive and destructive toward other people. That’s the most fun to play.”
Maybe the hard knocks pay off, anyway.
“You have to make each other laugh, taking the piss out of one another relentlessly,” Howard says.
... there’s an element of sharpening your teeth for the outside world, which is a very sad, but necessary juncture for a young queer person.
“In roasting each other, there’s an element of sharpening your teeth for the outside world, which is a very sad, but necessary juncture for a young queer person. What you’re doing is you’re thickening someone’s skin.”
A gift Howard shares with co-star Hannah Jones, who plays Byron’s frenemy, Sasha. Another working-class Scouser, Jones is an intersex, trans actor. “She gives as good as she gets,” Howard says of both the role and his real-life mate. “It continues every day on my phone, playing out like seasons three, four and five on my WhatsApp.”
While there’s lots of questionable behaviour in the show, no one is completely awful, Howard suggests. “Like what Laura Haddock does so amazingly, as Byron’s mum, is play a woman trying to love their child, who doesn’t quite know how to.”
“We’re in the early 2000s, and your child just came out as trans. It’s probably your first ever interaction with anyone who’s trans. You haven’t even seen them in a magazine.”
Who’s playing who?
While there has been a lot of necessary debate about who gets to play what character, Lees was adamant that Howard, a queer cis man, was the right pick for Byron. He depicts this mirror universe Lees at an in-flux stage of their life. After all, Individual experience is as varied as the gender spectrum.
“[The Argonauts author] Maggie Nelson talks about this, how some people have a real orthopaedic pilgrimage from A to B, while for other people, shit just stays messy and can do for all of their lives,” Howards says. “And actually, what my job in most parts of the series is, is to be in the mess and feel liberated.”
Ellis Howard as Byron in 'What It Feels Like For a Girl'. Credit: BBC / Hera / Enda Bowe
Platforming the infinite variety of queer experience is transformative for those who suddenly feel seen. “I was so happy that it came out on the BBC here, and that it’s playing on SBS in Australia,” Howard says.
“It’s amazing that our public broadcasters are putting shows on which are so provocative and challenging, which is absolutely what they should be doing, taking risks on new voices. And I’m so grateful that they are, and that What it Feels Like For a Girl has found an audience, because it’s singular.”
That’s down to the remarkable voice of Lees. “Paris is so incredibly smart with her cultural references and rolodex of literature,” Howard says. “She’s gone on to write for GQ and Vogue, as well as this amazing TV series.”
Assumptions harm everyone. “Maybe you don’t expect these kids who fall out of clubs up to their faces on ecstasy to also have a real passion for the Brontës and Lord Byron, but that’s the truth of life,” Howard says. “No one is one thing. Some of the most quick-thinking people just need to get out of their heads because it’s such a busy place to live.”
All episodes of What It Feels Like for a Girl are streaming at SBS On Demand.
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What It Feels Like for a Girl
series • drama
series • drama
BASED ON THE BEST-SELLING MEMOIR
'What It Feels Like for a Girl': Leave your judgement at the (toilet) door
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