I was a judge in a cheese competition and this is what happened

Hello, my name is Stephanie, and I am a cheese enthusiast. 

When I say “enthusiast” what I mean is: “it is my favourite food to the point where it is a part of my personality and identity”, so when I recently heard about a competition to become a judge at a cheese competition, I entered immediately, salivating as I typed my details in. 

A little history, so you know I’m serious. 

Here is a photo of my ideal wedding cake:

At my former employer, a co-worker and I once wrote an open letter to Apple asking them for a cheese emoji. I’m not saying it was our influence, per se, but Apple did introduce a cheese emoji just ONE DAY LATER.  

Here is a tweet that I relate to on a deeply spiritual level (I'm the child in this scenario):

And of course, this is just a good place to show you that while I cannot cook a damn thing, I can make an EXCELLENT cheese board. Here’s one I whipped up for the Oscars this year, and let me tell you, it tasted as good as it looked:

Now that you have some context, just IMAGINE my excitement when I received this email, telling me that I had, in fact, won the opportunity to be a judge at a cheese competition. It looked a little something like this.

The event was the next night, so I cancelled all my plans (my plans were to sit at home and watch Vanderpump Rules) and got ready to eat some cheese. 

Although the next day at work seemed to go forever, I found myself soon enough at The Grounds of Alexandria, the location of all my cheese dreams come true. I was checked off the prestigious list of judges (read: “other competition winners”) and offered a glass of wine, which I happily accepted. 

I was also given a mini-clipboard, which had details of all the cheeses we were about to try, as well as a page for “tasting notes”, where I would then mark down all my very official cheese judge thoughts.

The venue was beautiful, and I’m not just saying that because I was standing in front of a banquet table of 27 cheeses from around the country (although it helped). As I mingled with the other judges, I eyed the cheeses, always keeping an eye on the prize. 

After a short speech from the event organiser about how we all came to be here and the importance of buying local cheese (it was mainly about helping the farmers and keeping jobs here in Australia I think, but I will be real with you guys, I’d had a glass of wine and I was honestly just really hungry by this stage so I was somewhat distracted), it was almost time to taste. But first, we were given some tips on cheese judging. These tips were, essentially: 

1. Look at the cheese: Is the presentation nice? The colour? The texture?

2. Smell the cheese

3. TASTE THE CHEESE, and make sure to ~note the flavour~. 

It was a very intricate judging system, but I was clearly up for the challenge. We were told we’d have six minutes and then re-convene, though, which stressed me out, because six minutes for 27 cheeses is literally 13.333 seconds per cheese, which is not a lot of time to look and smell and eat, but I’d be DAMNED if I wasn’t going to try my hardest.

If you’re wondering if I managed to eat 27 different cheeses in six minutes while noting down their ratings against one another, no. I did not. 

What actually happened was that we had about 15-20 minutes, and I made it about halfway around the table, but in a panic, I sort of abandoned the idea of also trying to rate the cheeses and just focused on, you know… eating as much free cheese as a could. Perhaps this is why I’m a writer and not a full time cheese connoisseur. I don’t know, it’s a working theory I have.

Anyway, as it turns out, it was just a short break for us to listen to a few more people talk about the Australian dairy industry, which was nice. Mostly, I just kept picking at the cheeses on my plate and sipping the wine I had, and then sure enough, we had like another hour to eat all the cheeses at a more leisurely pace.

Less hungry and more relaxed, I decided to fulfil my duties as a cheese judge, after all. I finished working my way around the table, actually taking the time to rate the cheeses, and then I did the first half AGAIN and rated them, also. I am nothing if not committed to eating as much cheese as humanly possible.

It was at this point that I realised that this event could have been better in two very specific ways.

The first is that it would’ve been a lot easier if it had been a seated event. While the long banquet table looked like a beautiful Last Supper for any cheese lover, it’s maybe not the most practical way to serve cheese to like 50 people. If they’d set places for everyone in long tables and then served each section of cheese at a time, it would’ve been a far more relaxed event. Also, cheese is just like… not really a “stand-up” food the way that chips on a stick is, you know?

The second way that it could’ve been better, though, is if it had been a better representation of the many wonderful cheeses that Australia has to offer.

As I mentioned before, I put together a mean cheese board pretty regularly, so I know what I like. I’m also from Adelaide, which is home to some incredible small companies that are producing some of the best cheeses in the country. Adelaide is also home to an event called Cheese Fest, which is a full weekend of amazing cheese and local wine, beer and cider companies showcasing their products, and I would highly, highly recommend it. 

When I won the tickets, I’d sort of assumed that I would be treated to Woodside Cheese Wright’s beautiful Monet Chevre. I assumed I would get to eat my favourite blue, which is La Vera’s Adel-Blue (La Vera did have a few entries in the competition, and I ranked all of them highly because all their cheeses are so, so good), and I assumed I’d be eating brands like Udder Delights and Meredith Dairy and so many other great places. When I found myself instead tasting Bega’s tasty cheese, I was a bit… underwhelmed. I’m not saying it wasn’t tasty, but is Bega really THE BEST tasty cheese that Australia has to offer, or is it just that Bega can afford to enter their cheeses into the competition, where smaller companies can’t afford to put their products up against these giants? Essentially, I felt that if this had been my first introduction to the BEST cheeses of Australia, I probably would’ve been somewhat disappointed by the offerings, but as it is, I’m not one to turn my nose up at free cheese and I’m honestly pretty non-discriminatory when it comes to eating average cheese, anyway.

Soon after I had completed my duties as a cheese judge, it was the end of the night. I’d tasted all 27 cheeses, and tasted half of those twice, and indulged in at least 3 glasses of wine (it may have been 5 or even 6, who can say?!) 

As the night was wrapping up, the event organiser thanked us all for being there, and then said the magic words: “You can take whatever cheese is left over home with you”. 

Now, I KNOW I’d just eaten cheese for hours, and I KNOW I just told you that they weren’t all the best representation of the many great cheeses Australia has to offer, but I did also just say that I’m not one to turn my nose up at free cheese, so I have no problem telling you all that I skipped right on back to that banquet table and grabbed three huge chunks of cheese to enjoy at home. Judge all you want, friends, cheese ain’t cheap and I just saved myself at least $50.

And that is the story of the time I judged a cheese competition. 

Lead image by Brian Boucheron via Flickr.