Whoever came up with the tagline "a glass and a half" of full-cream dairy milk is a genius because ever since I first heard that sweet melody, I've convinced myself that tucking into a Freddo Frog is simply about caring for my bone health.
And in the interest of, er, calcium, I've tried a lot of Cadbury varieties. There are currently 37 options floating around on shelves and like Star Wars films, some are better than others.
Some may argue that preference is subjective, but I disagree. This is, without a doubt, the official, absolutely-correct-with-no-room-for-interpretation list of the best, and worst, Cadbury chocolate blocks.
Oreo
I'm not usually a fan of chocolates that simply combine two existing brands; it's often just lazy. However, the Oreo block is like an angel kiss on your forward at night.
It's smooth, crunchy and just the right balance between Oreo and chocolate. Bellissimo!
Mint Bubbly
Yes, this is just Cadbury's version of Aero, but it's still a highly prized addition. Sweet, minty goodness, full of delicate bubbles, all held together with milky goodness. If you don't like Mint Bubbly Rock, then sorry, but there's something wrong with you.
Top Deck
A symbolic coming together of two different colours and flavours - each on their own wonderful - but combined are even better. If Cadbury ever stops making this, I will personally start a riot and petition the Pope to bring it back.
Caramilk
People power works! This I'm-not-quite-sure-what-flavour-this-is-but-it's-delicious Caramilk was tragically pulled from shelves years ago.
But like calls for democracy, the power of the people worked and now we are again blessed with this milky-caramel concoction.
S'mores
A controversial, but delicious choice.
Like Andy Dick and the 'shake weight', s' mores are a product of the good 'ol US of A, but unlike the former two, s' mores are delightful.
If you haven't tried this gooey combination of chocolate, biscuit and marshmallows, then you need to, ASAP. Welcome to heaven.
Adulting... Source: Supplied
Peppermint
This is the classiest chocolate in the Cadbury family; it's what you eat after dinner, with a dainty glass of port or an espresso.
Play some jazz in the background, and boom! You instantly become an adult.
Salted Caramel
There's nothing inherently wrong with salted caramel - it's quite tasty - but it's everywhere. EVERYWHERE.
It's more ubiquitous than Adam Sandler films on Netflix. It's a good thing that's been ruined by every cafe, ice creamery and chocolate company in the world that include it as their 'speciality'. Stop it.
Moro
What's a Moro? Is it an illness you pick up in tropical areas? A tyre brand? The name of a failed heavy metal band?
Along with the second verse of the Australian national anthem, no one really knows what Moro is.
It's caramel and nougat, which technically makes it a Mars Bar, but is somehow kind of 'blah'.
Fruit & Nut
Nuts are great. Dried fruit can be...OK. But dried fruit covered in chocolate is a sin, and honestly, it's a disgrace that the United Nations hasn't investigated this crime.
Dried fruits, but especially raisins and sultanas, are the warts of the food world and should be shunned.
Snack
Who invented this horror? This is the chocolate equivalent of wearing underwear made out of burlap and is just one enormous question mark.
Most of us had this thrust upon us when we were innocent children as a "treat" but it is, in fact, a trick. Don't fall for it.
People of the internet, you're welcome. Given how much time we're all spending at home, chocolate is a much-needed treat, but make sure you choose your treat-(ment) wisely.
The Chocolate Factory: Inside Cadbury Australia premieres Saturday April 11 on SBS at 7:30pm and then via SBS On Demand. Join the conversation on social media #SlowTV
