Sleepless nights, mental trauma, and constant fear of deportation - that's how a Sri Lankan asylum-seeker, who has been illegally living in Australia without a visa for the past four years, describes his plight to SBS Tamil.
"I have been living in constant fear all these years in Australia," says Sindhujan (name changed), who has been denied asylum in Australia.
"I restrain myself from going out much, except for some grocery shopping," he said.
"I do little work here for my survival; I am not able to step out even for a medical emergency. For instance, I couldn't visit a hospital when I injured my finger a few months ago because I didn't have any identification document. I struggled to work with that injury for almost three months.
Under Operation Sovereign Borders, refugee boats were being pushed back into Indonesian waters against Indonesia's express wishes. Source: AAP
He said ever since he began staying in Australia, friends have supported him.
"I have no peace of mind as I very well know that police may knock at my door anytime.
I get nightmares in my sleep about my deportation to Sri Lanka.
"I have been spending all my nights thinking about my uncertain life in Australia, which has given me severe mental trauma.
"Covid-19 has made my life even more difficult."
Like thousands of Sri Lankan Tamils, Sindhujan fled his homeland in 2006 amid the brutal 26-year civil war in Sri Lanka.
"No one would flee their homeland leaving everything behind unless the situation is extremely unsafe to live. I too fled my country for the same reason. I somehow arrived in Malaysia and I managed to stay there until 2011."
Sri Lankan Navy stand guard where fishermen captured two suspected Tamil Tiger rebels on an apparent suicide mission in Pamunuwa, June 17, 2006. Source: AAP
In 2012, he took a perilous journey by boat from Indonesia to Australia as an undocumented immigrant. Australian Border Force intercepted their boat and shifted Sindhujan, along with other asylum seekers, to Christmas Island.
"I boarded a boat, along with hundreds of asylum seekers, from Indonesia without even carrying a life jacket. I have nothing to lose except for my life. After spending two frightening days in the sea, the helmsman told us that the boat wouldn't go further. While we were looking for some ray of hope, the Australian Border Force intercepted and shifted us to Christmas Island and from there to a detention centre in Darwin."
Sindhujan hasn't been living unlawfully ever since he landed in Australia in 2012.
A civilian at a Buddhist temple in Colombo, June 2006; the country suffered nearly two decades of civil war and the Asian tsunami. Source: AAP
He says he diligently followed all the legal immigration procedures to get a refugee visa but says that his application was rejected by the Australian government.
Listen to Sindhujan's interview in Tamil
"I struggled to get a visa for almost five years. From the Federal Circuit Court to the High Court, I faced rejections everywhere for my plea. In 2017, I was told by the immigration officers that deporting me to Sri Lanka was the only option. Since then, I have been illegally residing without a visa as I was terrified to return home."
After four years of what he describes as a distressing life in Australia, Sindhujan has now made up his mind to return to Sri Lanka."My life in Australia is no better than my plight in Sri Lanka. While there I lived fearing the Sri Lankan authorities, here, I have been living in constant fear without a visa.
"So, I have decided to go to my homeland, now. In my understanding, I could say that people who arrive in Australia by planes to seek asylum are treated well, while we, the 'boat people', are treated as untouchables."
"I have already started the procedures with immigration in regard to my return to Sri Lanka. I may even die when I reach Sri Lanka as the conditions are still unsafe.
"But it is better to die in my homeland than dying in Australia, just out of fear. With only the Almighty by my side, I'm going home," Sindhujan said.
Listen to SBS Tamil at 8pm on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays on SBS Radio 2.
