Frustrated and helpless, Dane Coles admits there were times during his four-month concussion lay-off when he truly believed Codie Taylor had usurped him as the All Blacks' first-choice hooker.
The 30-year-old has endured a miserable 2017, struggling with concussion symptoms and missing the British and Irish Lions Test series.
And just when he thought the clouds had finally dissipated, the wily Hurricanes rake was forced to watch last weekend's 54-34 Bledisloe Cup triumph from the sidelines, having suffered a minor head knock in training.
By contrast, Taylor has enjoyed an outstanding campaign, helping the Crusaders to the Super Rugby title and playing all three Lions Tests.
At his lowest ebb, Coles felt he had done his All Blacks dash - despite a 2015 Rugby World Cup winner's medal and a reputation as the world's finest No.2.
News that makes sense
Your trusted source for staying up-to-date with the world around you. Get free daily news updates and analysis, straight to your inbox.
Yet he persevered and, after coming through this week's training unscathed, has been selected to play again in Saturday's second Test.
It will be his first All Blacks Test in nine months.
"We're pretty blessed now in this environment, we've got two hookers that can start and put their hand up and be world-class," Coles told reporters.
"I was stoked for Codie. There were probably moments when I was like 'oh man, it's going to be hard to get back in' but he's worked really hard to get where he is and his form for the Crusaders has been awesome.
"I'll be given a chance this week and I've got to go out and perform, because Codie's right behind me - if I don't, he's probably going to get that spot."
Saturday's clash also marks Coles' 50th in the black jumper after making his Test debut against Scotland at Murrayfield in 2012.
Having made his mark as a firebrand in the early stages of his career, Coles feels he has learned plenty through his All Blacks travails, and has gained a new perspective from the four months he spent waiting for his concussion to clear.
"I'm just excited, getting out, training with the team again, just all the little things you've been missing. It's like my first Test all over again," Coles said.
"It feels like yesterday I was in Scotland, rooming with Wyatt Crockett, like a scared little boy. Everyone says to play one is so special, but to get to 50, it's pretty humbling and I'm just happy to be back in black.
"I've tried to remain true to myself, play rugby to who I am."
