I know what you look like. I know how you think.
Sitting there, enthusiastically holding a glass of cheap Marlborough pinot noir during a dinner party, declaring you will boycott Eurovision this year. It used to be cool, you say, but now you've moved on, like it was the musical equivalent of McDonalds macarons. It used to be special and obscure but now it's somewhat tainted because Australia's now involved. It's too mainstream, you claim, and anyway it has that Guy Sebastian in it, who's like a marshmallow - sugary but squishy and inoffensive.
So, no. This year you have decided not to watch it on TV and instead tune into Stephen Fry on the ABC.
Well, sir/madam, what makes you think you are above Eurovision? What makes you special? And why do you feel compelled to take this so seriously?
There will be parties throughout Australia - and the world - celebrating this bizarre cultural phenomenon. Some people are even booking out cinemas and pubs to watch it live at 5am on Sunday - a timezone that shouldn't even exist. Twitter is going to go bananas for several hours when it is broadcast, marvelling at how gloriously stupid this whole enterprise is. You'll have to mute the hashtag, if you haven't done so already. There will be ridiculously easy drinking games to compete in. Afterwards, there will be drunken Singstar at 3am on a school night.
But you won't be taking part because it offends you, somehow.
Not only is it a fascinating insight into the geopolitics of 21st century Europe, but it makes people feel good inside, laughing at all the silly costumes and the botoxed beauties, with performances including giant hamster wheels, puppets, twins and long hair. And then there comes a moment where a bearded lady steals the show, her incredible voice sweeping the world away, winning the bloody award. She inspires millions.
It's not some sort of obscure song competition like Moldova's Got Talent - nor is it Australian Idol. It's what the rest of humanity would be watching if it wasn't spending all of its time worried about what age Rebel Wilson really is, or assuming Vegemite-flavoured chocolate is an abomination of all that is holy in this world (it's quite tasty, actually).
I'm not telling you to watch it - or to like it. But if you believe it needs to be dismissed or ignored because the costumes are stupid, or it's become too popular, you're overthinking it.
It's the height of elite snobbery to declare that just because more people are watching means that it's somehow off limits now.
You're not a better person - just someone who's died a little inside.
Frank Keany is a freelance journalist with 10 years in commercial radio under his belt, including 3 years in the Press Gallery. He tweets about politics and bacon as @redneckninja.
Eurovision 2015 is almost here! Head to SBS Eurovision for all the latest Eurovision news, videos and party tips.
Semi-Final 1 Friday 22 May 7:30pm | Semi-Final 2 Saturday 23 May 7:30pm | Grand Final Sunday 24 May 7:30pm
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