I’ve always been a ‘strong woman’, passionate about equality and justice, unafraid to speak my mind.
Sure, being yelled at by passing cars as I waited for a tram on a Friday night made me nervous as a teenager, but cat calling made me angry. I had just as much right to stand at a tram stop without being harassed as any boy.
I received some unwanted lewd phone calls during my high school years, back when we used landlines and way before the dick pic phenomenon, but I never thought anything really bad would happen to me.
I was a young feminist, aware of my rights. I’d never let a man take them away from me.
So it came as a shock to find myself crumpling to the ground near a bar off a Melbourne laneway with the man I loved, my first true love, the first person I imagined a future with. He was standing over me, fists clenched.
My reaction was to protect him, calm him down. I told concerned onlookers it was none of their business. I told my friends, who had witnessed him punching me to go home, I wanted to stay and work things out. I led him away before the police arrived so he wouldn’t get in trouble.
I stayed in that relationship for another six months. Before, I had never understood why women stayed with men who hit them. Now I did, even if I couldn’t explain it.
Later, when I was 20, I went to a party and got very drunk. I was single, ready to mingle and alcohol made me more confident. A male acquaintance I’d known for years offered to take me home. We started kissing and ended up at his house. That’s all I remember. I’d drunk myself into unconsciousness.
It took some time to figure out where I was when I woke up the next morning. I was alone in a room I’d never seen before. I was naked, and sore. I left quickly and never saw him again. We hadn’t learnt about consent at school. It took me a long time to realise what had happened wasn’t ok, and even longer to accept it wasn’t my fault.
These are unpleasant memories, but not uncommon experiences. Almost every woman I know has something similar buried in the back of their mind, to greater and lesser degrees of severity. But the fact it is so common should lead to some pretty fundamental questions: why does men’s violence against women (and girls) happen so frequently, and how can we stop it?
Research provides many reasons why men inflict physical and sexual violence on women and girls, fundamentally it comes down to a power imbalance. Cat calling, dick pics, physical and sexual assault may seem like very different acts, but they all share the attitude that women are worth less than men.
At first glance that seems too simplistic an explanation. But all acts of harassment and violence are ultimately perpetrated with the knowledge that the other person doesn’t want that done to them, then doing it anyway. That’s valuing a person less.
According to Our Watch, “the most consistent predictor for support of violence by men is their agreement with sexist attitudes.” Excusing and perpetuating gender stereotypes, discrimination and enforcing gender roles all contribute to valuing women and girls less than men. When people use ‘girl’ as a derogatory term; when society accepts professions traditionally done by women as less deserving of high pay; when it is implied that sexual assault survivors were somehow complicit – it all contributes to a permission structure that allows some men to see women and girls as lesser.
This is the link we must pay attention to. The source of the problem that results in at least one woman a week killed by her current or ex-partner. It comes back to basic sexism, and pervasive views that women are worth less than men. In many ways knowing this is good – as we can now start to change it. Ending violence against women and girls begins with addressing this power imbalance, and there are many steps we can take to get there:
- challenge sexist attitudes when we see them
- support young men and women to have equal and respectful relationships
- equip young people to navigate online engagement, and promote ethical and respectful behaviour towards one another.
Just as no woman, no matter how ‘strong’ or aware of their rights is immune from the threat of violence, there is no silver bullet to end violence against women and girls once and for all. It will take many small steps and a real commitment to change, from all of us.
Plan International Australia is asking supporters to take little actions to make big change. Sexist attitudes are a cultural habit. Let’s break the habit. With 16 days of action, we aim to bring gender equality into our conversations, our social media feeds, our schools and our media. We can change the norm, to one where women and girls feel safe, heard and valued. Let’s join others around the world and turn the spotlight on violence against women and girls.
This was written by a Plan International Australia staff member.
