Cindy Han-Liang Pan is a medical practitioner and author who regularly writes about health and relationships. Born in Australia, Cindy was dux at her Sydney high school and went on to study medicine at university. After qualifying as a doctor, she danced professionally in productions such as The King and I.
Cindy is a mum to two boys, aged 5 and 7. Her latest book is called Headstarts – 100 tips for raising clever, confident and creative kids.
Cindy is a mum to two boys, aged 5 and 7. Her latest book is called Headstarts – 100 tips for raising clever, confident and creative kids.
Cindy reflects on being a 'dragon child'.
I grew up on a CSIRO research station where my dad was the senior research scientist. My dad had come to Australia in his twenties without any English and managed to get through Sydney University with a Masters and then onto America to get his PhD in animal genetics. He would have been pretty smart to do all that without the language, so I think genetically we were destined to do okay academically.
My parents never needed to push me. My dad was pushy with my brother but neither of my parents had to push me academically. I always did well and I just enjoyed school.
My mum said when I got home from school, I would sit down at the dining room table to do my homework. I don't remember having a gun to my head.
The thing I was most passionate about was ballet. I started ballet classes when I was younger and in Year 10 I wanted to leave school to do ballet full-time and become a professional dancer. But my parents didn't get it. My mum thought I was already dancing five days a week, more if you count rehearsals, so why was that any different?
My dad's reaction was more extreme. He thought I was mad so he wanted me to stop dancing all together. He said dancing had obviously made me mad so I should see a psychiatrist. They had paid a lot of money for me to learn dancing, but the idea was to make me a well-rounded accomplished lady, not to want it as a career.
From a cultural old-China point of view, the idea of having dancing as your career was akin to saying I wanted to move to Kings Cross and be a stripper. In his mind I was destined to be the dux of Abbotsleigh, an expensive elite girls' school, and then go to university.
The funny thing is that my dad fuelled all of this because he was my biggest fan. He thought I was the best dancer in the world. He'd say, “You are just better than everyone here, even better than Margot Fonteyn”. So it was like a father telling his daughter she was beautiful but being appalled when she wants to be a model.
My dad wanted me to be a professor of surgery. He just wanted me to be amazing. Once, my dad predicted I would win every Nobel Prize in every category. That's what he wanted for me. I didn't even know what a Nobel Prize was. I think I asked him if anyone else had done that and he said I'd be the first.
This is the sort of dad I had. It was wonderful having a dad who believed in me, even if it was to a ludicrous degree.
Growing up, I didn't know much about being a doctor but my mother was a theatre sister and a lot of my parents' friends were doctors and scientists so I was around it all the time. But I remember at one point my dad said he was embarrassed when he went out socially because he had to admit both his children were only GPs. This was the girl who was supposed to win a Nobel-prize in every category.
The thing is my dad's friends would always tell me how proud he was of me. He would show them photos of me all the time. I guess it's a very Chinese thing where publicly you say “My poor child is an idiot”, but secretly think they're the bee's knees.
My parents valued academic success but they also spent a lot of time driving us around to orchestra, ballet, sports and other activities. So in that respect, they weren't different to other parents, western or otherwise, who invest in their kids. So the idea that Chinese parents are flogging their kids, they're not really. They're opening a lot of doors for them, not just doors to maths books. It's about recognising their kid has ability and getting pleasure from having them learn and excel.
My kids are now 5 and 7 and it's remarkable that kids now get coaching from day dot to get into a selective school and then coached again for the HSC. I never got coaching for anything, ever. I'm not saying it's good or bad but it just seems different.
Don't get me wrong, if my kids are struggling, that's what you do for your kids. But the idea you give your kids tutoring just because it's the thing to do, I have trouble getting used to.
I think parents have to adapt their parenting to each kid. You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. You can't get a kid playing at Carnegie Hall if they're tone deaf. They have to be bright. There's a limit to what parents can do. You can push them from getting 80% to 90%, but you can't push them from 50% to 90%.
I like the idea of setting high standards, but I think it has to keep within your child's ability. You're just being silly if you set them up for disappointment.
[As told to Johnny Luu]
Cindy Han-Liang Pan reflects on being a 'dragon child'.
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