The Royal Commission into Family Violence has heard from its first abuser, a man who subjected his wife and family to 15 years of emotional control and threatening behaviour.
The man admitted to being a bully during his school years and said this carried over to his married life when he encountered conflict.
"I would burst into an outrage, carrying on with hitting walls, yelling and screaming, anything to avoid what was going on," said the man, who cannot be identified.
After separating from his wife and realising he could lose everything, he enrolled in a men's behavioural change program and it took months to get a place.
The man said he learnt new skills to "sit through things, to breathe, to listen, how to react" and ultimately to repair his relationship.
The most confronting element were the role-plays in which he had to assume the role of his wife.
"I haven't got a better friend than my wife," the man told the commission.
"I still have times where I regress a little bit ... I do get in touch with No To Violence to get support when I need it."
His advice to other abusers was: "Don't be scared. We can all change ... you can do something about it, do something right for the ones you love."
The commission heard that programs designed to change men's behaviour have been swamped as police and other services improve their response to family violence and more men are referred.
The programs in Victoria have a funded capacity of about 2000 men. Another 1000 places have been added since the commission began its hearings.
No To Violence manager Rodney Vlais said the programs took in more men than they were funded for and yet, in March, there were 1000 men on the waiting list.
Victoria has an estimated 20,000 to 30,000 men prone to violence and who could benefit, he said.
The number of men who would benefit from changing their behaviour will always outstrip the places available in such programs but placement numbers vary as many men drop out if not under a court order to attend.
"We're looking for a significant step up in investment," Mr Vlais said.
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