A woman who was second in charge at a NSW yoga ashram 30 years ago says she's not "the monster" being portrayed by child abuse victims.
Shishy was in a position of power at the Mangrove Yoga Ashram in the 1970s and 80s, where children were emotionally, physically and sexually abused by Swami Akhandananda.
She had sex with an under-aged boy and former residents of the ashram have told the sex abuse royal commission she violently slapped children and even procured some for Akhandananda for sex.
While giving evidence to the commission on Monday, Shishy became distressed and said: "I am not the monster as portrayed."
She has apologised for not being aware at the time that the swami's behaviour was wrong.
Shishy, 57, denied she's now presenting herself as powerless.
She said at the time, she believed what was done to her and the children was in pursuit of spiritual growth.
She has told the commission Akhandananda sexually assaulted her with a double-barrelled shotgun, slashed her vagina with nail scissors and used a penknife to dig out moles on her body.
After going public with abuse allegations, Shishy says she was vilified by ashram residents and received death threats.
"For many years I used to sleep with a stout stick beside me," she said. "I was constantly afraid of repercussions.
"Even then, after everything, I still felt I was betraying the gurus, but also knew that the girls were more important."
In her statement, tendered on Friday she said she went to India to report the abuse to then ashram global leader Swami Satyananda.
She said she overheard Satyananda and current leader Swami Niranjan Saraswati discuss getting rid of her.
Satyananda had sex with her when he was in Australia and she had to drink his and Akhandananda's urine as a traditional way of avoiding pregnancy.
She had two abortions while at Mangrove.
During re-examination by counsel for the commission, Peggy Dwyer SC, Shishy denied she had started a sexual relationship with a 14-year-old boy for comfort because Akhandananda was physically abusing her.
Last week she told the commission she had been ordered by Akhandananda to sexually initiate the boy.
Shishy said she would sign papers as required by Akhandananda, including legal guardianship documents that meant child endowment payments would go to the ashram.
She was listed as a director at the ashram but said that was a formality to fulfil the requirements of a charitable institution and she was not aware of any committee decisions.
After nine years, Shishy left the ashram in 1985 and gave evidence against Akhandananda, who was jailed in 1989 for indecent dealing with four girls.
The conviction was overturned in 1991 and Akhandananda died from the effects of alcohol abuse in 1998.
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