Psssssst! Do you want to know the names of all next week's Oscar winners?
Read this brilliant analysis.
If you follow closely, you're guaranteed to get every category correct.
OK, that's an exaggeration.
The truth is, you don't have to be a savant (or read this) to get close to choosing 100 per cent of the winners at Monday's (AEDT) Academy Awards, because the ceremony is shaping up to be the most predictable in decades.
The only way Cate Blanchett won't walk away from Hollywood's Dolby Theatre with an Oscar is if the movie Sharknado becomes a reality and a great white flies down and snatches it before Daniel Day-Lewis can hand it to her.
Even the once-interesting best picture category has a runaway favourite, 12 Years a Slave, after appearing to be in a three-horse race a month ago.
Here's how the Oscar ceremony will unfold.
BEST PICTURE AND DIRECTOR:
When the Oscar nominations were announced on January 16, awards analysts (dudes blogging in their pyjamas) were salivating about how the best picture category was the most competitive in years, with American Hustle, Gravity and 12 Years a Slave neck-and-neck.
It has sorted itself out.
American Hustle fell off the lead, so Hollywood split the two top Oscar categories.
They decided 12 Years a Slave would get best picture and Gravity's Alfonso Cuaron would get the director statuette.
BEST ACTOR:
Chiwetel Ejiofor, star of 12 Years a Slave, was the favourite for best actor a month or so ago, but just as we mastered how to pronounce his name (Choo-eh-tell Edge-ee-oh-for), the British actor drifted.
Matthew McConaughey, formerly best known for going shirtless in romantic comedies, emerged as the runaway favourite for his performance in Dallas Buyers Club.
To win an acting Oscar, you need to lose weight, put on weight, get ugly, be nasty, play a character with a mental or medical issue and have a down-and-out, make-good life story.
In Dallas Buyers Club, McConaughey lost 20 kilograms to play a bigot with AIDS.
Then throw in his short but memorable scene in The Wolf of Wall Street and his performance in the TV series True Detective, and the dude who used to act with his shirt off has a great down-and-out, done-good story.
His closest challenger is Leonardo DiCaprio (The Wolf of Wall Street), who has been campaigning for Oscar votes almost as hard as he chases Victoria's Secret models.
However, Leo will have to be content with hot babes instead of a naked golden man.
BEST ACTRESS:
The odds tell the story.
Cate Blanchett, for Woody Allen's Blue Jasmine, is 1/40 to win the best actress Oscar, giving her a bookend for her supporting actress trophy for 2005's The Aviator.
The number two pick is the distant Amy Adams (American Hustle) at 18/1, then Sandra Bullock (Gravity) 25/1, Judi Dench (Philomena) 40/1 and the queen of the Oscars, Meryl Streep (August: Osage County) at 66/1.
Not even Mia Farrow's best attempts to dig up old accusations against Allen has dampened Blanchett's standing.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:
McConaughey's Dallas Buyers Club mate, Jared Leto, also has the supporting actor wrapped up.
Why?
Leto plays an HIV-positive transgender woman - a character destined for Oscar glory.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
If you asked the bookies and dudes in pyjamas, they would say this is the tightest race of the night, with Lupita Nyong'o (12 Years a Slave) slightly ahead of Jennifer Lawrence (American Hustle).
They have this wrong. Nyong'o has it wrapped up.
Lawrence won the best actress Oscar in 2013 for Silver Linings Playbook and, because she's only 23, the crusty old academy voters will baulk at giving her back-to-backs.
Nyong'o is fantastic in the role as slave Patsey, is a fresh face in Hollywood, is a red-carpet sensation and academy voters will feel 12 Years a Slave deserves a few major gongs to go with best picture.
ADAPTED SCREENPLAY:
Again, Oscar history shows a best picture winner needs a sprinkling of other awards, and 12 Years a Slave's John Ridley will claim this one.
ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY:
A few months ago, actors and directors would only gush about one film (which wasn't their own) and that was Her.
Spike Jonze was snubbed for a directing nomination for Her, but the academy will apologise by handing him the original screenplay Oscar.
COSTUME DESIGN AND PRODUCTION DESIGN:
Bookmakers say Aussie Catherine Martin is the favourite two win both the costume and production design Oscars for The Great Gatsby, but prepare for a surprise.
And, no, fellow Aussie costume designer Michael Wilkinson, for American Hustle, might not be the wet blanket.
At the weekend's Costume Designers Guild Awards, Patricia Norris was the upset winner for 12 Years a Slave.
Gravity, tipped to clean up most of the technical categories, is also a solid chance to knock off Martin and her Aussie co-nominee, Beverley Dunn.
THE OTHERS:
Apart from Our Cate, the other sure thing is Frozen for animated feature film. One British bookmaker has slapped 1/100 odds on the Disney picture.
For other technical categories, such as visual effects, cinematography, editing and sound editing (you know, the categories when you go to the toilet or channel surf), go with Gravity.
Best original song will go to Frozen's Let It Go, but the good news is the other nominees are all great - U2's Ordinary Love, from Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom, and Pharrell Williams' Happy, from Despicable Me 2.
And the really great news?
Instead of Russell Crowe butchering a Les Miserables ditty like in 2013's telecast, viewers will hear U2 and Williams perform.
Maybe Williams will wear a bigger hat than his Grammy lid.
For the other awards - live-action short, animated short, and so on - just guess.
The academy voters didn't watch them all, either.
