Peeping through cracks in the gargantuan wooden gate, I wobble on tiptoes trying to snap a picture with my iPhone camera. Success - a very grainy shot of a very recognisable front door.
I'm outside the former home of The Osbournes in Beverly Hills, the one made famous by their MTV reality show where tiny dogs ran riot and Sharon ruled the roost.
Unlike the celebrity residents of this neighbourhood who swan about in chauffeur-driven limos, I'm on two wheels, pedalling past mini mansions on a Bikes and Hikes' Movie Star Homes tour (www.bikesandhikesla.com).
Behind those luxurious silk curtains and marble walls, celebrities are gearing up for The Oscars on March 2, and I'm in Tinseltown to soak up the star-studded atmosphere for a few days.
As we cycle between LA's most exclusive enclaves, I look up at the cloudless blue sky, punctuated with tall palm trees.
Our tour guides point out the A-list houses, including Elton John's $3 million condo overlooking Soho House and Marilyn Monroe's old apartment at North Doheny Drive.
I get to know one of Hollywood's greatest icons a little better at TCL Chinese Theatre, where I step into Marilyn's shoes - literally.
My size six sandals completely cover her tiny heeled footprints and my hands engulf her dainty palms on the 1953 Gentlemen Prefer Blondes imprint, where tourists get to hold hands with their idols via concrete.
This forecourt of paving stones may not have the glamour of the sparkling stars on Hollywood Boulevard's Walk of Fame but they're steeped in cinematic history, some scrawled with personalised messages like Will Smith's "Change the world", or Arnold Schwarzenegger's "I'll be back".
At this time of year, dermatologist to the stars, Dr Harold Lancer, is solidly booked with A-listers hoping to achieve a red carpet glow.
I manage to follow in the footsteps of celebrities like Simon Cowell, Scarlett Johansson and Victoria Beckham, by visiting his practice to get clued up on bespoke multi-step skin-care regimes.
"Beauty hurts but ugly hurts a lot more," Dr Lancer tells me after I emerge glowing from his signature Stem Cell Facial.
"Beauty isn't just about the face, it's from the dinner table up," he says, clarifying, "that's hands, arms, shoulders and decolletage."
The exclusive address is wedged between glossy Ralph Lauren and Giorgio Armani stores on Rodeo Drive, but I'm told that celebrity clients park their cars with Dr Lancer's valet to avoid the paparazzi scrums and make a covert entrance.
During my visit, I discover going to the beauty salon is like picking up a sandwich.
In buzzy West Hollywood where I'm staying, there are dedicated "blow-dry bars" - no scissors in sight for trims, just smooth, bouncy tresses. Women (and men) sit with customary toy dog in lap, mobile phone in one hand, while their nails are being done on the other.
Dogs aren't left out of the pampering.
Everywhere you look, there are dog spas, pooch parlours and even check-ins at Chateau Marmutt (a play on the Chateau Marmont) where over-indulged pooches can slim down on dedicated doggy treadmills.
For an extreme snapshot of designer pooches, super cars and It bags, I put my oversized sunglasses on to stroll down the boutique-lined Rodeo Drive.
I spot crowds of tourists ogling a yellow Bugatti Veyron sports car (start price approx $1.2 million).
Bespoke fashion is also big business on the pristine streets of Rodeo. Practically losing my feet in the plush carpet, I meet stylist to the stars Joe Katz in Dior's VIP suite, where designer archive pieces decorate the room and champagne and mini macaroons are served on arrival.
He's summoned at least once a day by clients who require tailored styling sessions, pulling key pieces from the rails for jet-set lifestyles and industry parties.
I start mentally calculating how many Jimmy Choos I would get with Joe's "Dream Closet" options where price tags total $10,000, $50,000 or $100,000.
"We're selling fur and big coats in the height of summer," Joe explains.
"Our customers are very international, so they're looking for outfits to take them across the Fashion Week capitals like Paris, London and New York.
"We did have a limited edition Lady Dior bag in a glass case. It sold at $16,000, which is pretty affordable in Beverly Hills," he says without blinking.
It's all too easy to be swept away by the LA dream and agree for just a millisecond. This is a place that twinkles by night and day, leaving you just a little starry-eyed. Now I know why big sunglasses are a necessity.
WHERE TO STAY
Mondrian Los Angeles
Embrace the fantasy playground of LA by stepping through the Mondrian's signature 9-metre high mahogany doors on Sunset Boulevard. The reception resembles an Alice In Wonderland theme with a velvet swing, mushroom-shaped concierge desk and feathered lampshades. Even giant swivelling mirrors in guest rooms double up as televisions.
By day, it's bright, light and airy, and by night it becomes sexy and glamorous with the open-air Skybar pulling in an 'It' crowd. Taking the indoors out, the pool's panoramic views of the LA skyline sit behind a faux white wall complete with oversized windows and sills you can perch or pose on. Camouflaged in bright pink blooms, the outdoor hideaway "hut" is the perfect place for celebrities to sip on cocktails. www.morganshotelgroup.com/mondrian/mondrian-los-angeles
The London West Hollywood
Brits can go "home away from home" at The London. A fake British Bulldog sits proudly outside, and sometimes a real one plods around in reception to greet guests. For British food with an LA twist, chef Gordon Ramsay oversees all the dining experiences including Rooftop by Gordon Ramsay for food with a view. www.thelondonwesthollywood.com
WHERE TO SHOP
Robertson Boulevard
For a mix of independent, cool shops and big name brands, take your credit card to Robertson Boulevard where 75 per cent of the stores are dedicated to clothing. Kitson is especially popular with celebrities - Lady Gaga has been known to shop there.
www.robertsonboulevard-shop.com
Rodeo Drive
Best reserved for window shopping, you'll find just about every high-end brand's swish store at this designer mecca - think Chanel, Dior, Fendi and Gucci. Look out for The Rodeo Drive Walk of Style featuring shiny gold plaques that celebrate the fashion industry's finest.
www.rodeodrive-bh.com
WHERE TO EAT
The Ivy
You can't miss the flower and fairy light display decking out The Ivy on Robertson Boulevard. For old-school star spotting, grab a table on the colourful outdoor patio to mingle with Hollywood A-listers who are perusing the classic American and Italian menu.
www.theivyrestaurants.com
Urth Caffe
Spot the celebrities munching on health-conscious brunches behind their big, dark sunglasses here. With five locations in LA, Urth Caffes are relaxed hangouts for hipsters to eat fresh salads and rustic pizzas on a sunny terrace, but be prepared to queue for an outdoor table.
www.urthcaffe.com/locations.html
WHERE TO PARTY
Bootsy Bellows
Expect the unexpected at this art deco-inspired nightclub on West Hollywood's Sunset Strip. Far from just thumping beats, there's live entertainment with burlesque dancers, music acts and even dancing puppets.
www.bootsybellows.com
Bar Marmont
Chateau Marmont is super-exclusive but you don't need an Oscar to drink at Bar Marmont, which has its own secret side door. Enjoy the old-fashioned but chic vibe, and kick back with a cocktail in one of the booths.
www.chateaumarmont.com/barmarmont.php
* For more information on West Hollywood see www.visitwesthollywood.com
