Atonement; I believe it starts with one’s self because that’s who you face in the mirror each day. Can you run from yourself forever?
When I was 16, I got engaged. I fell pregnant at 17 but left the father. Soon after, I met my first husband. We got married when my daughter was six months old. It was just three months after I turned 18. He was a soldier and we moved to Victoria from North Queensland. Previously I had never travelled interstate. The move started as a big adventure but I was away from my family, friends, and everything that was familiar. I was trying to be a good wife, mother and daughter in law.
We got relocated to Sydney later with the army, and then I flew up to Townsville to visit my family. I didn’t want to go back to Sydney. I wanted to stay with my family. I was young immature and very unhappy. I didn’t realise marriage wasn't like boyfriend/girlfriend. You can't put a wise head on young shoulders. Marriage is for life.
One night, I visited a friend and had a lot of alcohol. As a result of my emotions and liquor, I slept with her flat mate. It was the biggest mistake of my life, I regretted it straight away. I felt so low and unworthy.
How could I have done this? What sort of person am I to do such a thing to someone who not only married me, but was raising another mans child? To the family that had accepted me, to disgrace my own family, to sin against god but worst of all to fail in my own eyes, to ruin all that I am and believed in.
It was the biggest mistake of my life, I regretted it straight away
To be less than the standards I held for myself and others, how hypocritical I felt, to have judged them when I’m no better. I felt like dirt, it was very soul destroying. I was raised in Sunday schools and churches. I knew right from wrong, how had this happened?
I decided I would go back and try to be the best wife, to redeem myself in everyone’s eyes. They would never know what I had done. For six years, I knew, all that time. So I was taking all the things in marriage most women would not have, believing that I deserved it, that I should be punished. Then I had a child to him. I wanted one but I also knew it would make him happy.
I became a robot. I killed a lot of my own self and my emotions in order to be what others deserved and needed. I started to feel very suicidal and down. I did a lot of work for school organisations, I attended church. All to try and fill my life. But I didn’t fill the hole that was there and growing. There was always that knowing, empty sadness and self loathing.
I became a robot. I killed a lot of my own self and my emotions in order to be what others deserved and needed
There are many things marriage that I won’t go into, but that killed any love I had for this man. The crunch came when I realised if my children’s welfare was put into jeopardy by him, he didn’t deserve to have us in his life. I knew there wasn’t love for quite a while from my side but my children mean more than anything to me. I had been staying in that marriage for them, but now I felt that they didn’t deserve to be subjected to any of it, that it wasn’t about me but them. No one knew what went on in my marriage. I told no one, not even friends. Secrets become easy to keep when you have practice.
I have come to realise that we are not machines. We are not perfect. Yes we may fall but it’s how we rise that makes us who we are. I should never have stayed out of guilt, I should have looked at what made me do what I did and why and not the actual act.
I should never have stayed out of guilt
I’ve learned to be less judgemental of others, to be more forgiving, tolerant and understanding. More patient and caring, and most important to accept I’m only human. I'm sharing this for others who may be in similar circumstances.
Don’t martyr yourself for the wrong reasons, don’t hurt yourself or end your life for being human. To those considering cheating, don’t do it. It destroys you inside. You can’t run from yourself. And self-forgiveness takes a long time. I have peace now but I still hate what I did. But I’m not perfect. No one is.
Readers seeking support and information can contact: Lifeline 13 11 14, Kids Helpline 1800 551 800 or the Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467
