Lois Buch never realised how many people she knew had experienced sexual abuse in the home until she spoke publicly about her birth mother’s experience.
“Slowly in time more and more people have come up to me and told me that what happened to my birth mother has happened in their family home and that is shocking to me,” Lois says.
“It came often from people I didn’t expect to be telling me that.”
It was 2016 when Lois went on national television and revealed her family secret - that her conception was the result of her biological mother being raped by her father – Lois’ biological grandfather.
When she spoke publicly for the first time about her conception to Insight host Jenny Brockie, Lois admits she was still coming to terms with the information. She says she was also trying to protect her biological family who had concerns about their secret being so openly discussed.
The truth
Lois was adopted at six weeks old by a “wonderful family” and says she always knew she was adopted. Her curiosity about her biological family eventually led her, at the age of 23, to meet with her birth mother, Ellen.
Lois' mum Ellen pictured as a young woman. Source: Supplied
The pair hit it off instantly and enjoyed a close relationship over the years until Ellen passed away in 2012.
“There’s one thing that she made abundantly clear to me, and that was she was glad that I’d tracked her down and she loved me, and she made that really clear.”
But Lois’ biological mum remained tight lipped about the identity of Lois’ father – a secret she took to her grave.
“My biological mum, Ellen, absolutely had secrets,” Lois admits.
It was one of Ellen’s sisters who years later eventually revealed the truth to Lois, who at the time was aged in her 40s.
“Finding out this information had an immediate, and I’m going to say devastating impact, I felt traumatised, I felt humiliated, I felt ashamed…” Lois says.
But looking back, Lois realises the timing was right.
“She [Ellen] was an incredibly brave and strong person, so the fact that in the eight years that she knew me she felt that she needed to protect me by not telling me this information, and that was actually the right choice to make, in my twenties I was not ready to hear this information.”
Processing everything
With help from a "great counselor" Lois has been able to come to terms with her “poor” conception.
Here I am, I am now at the age that she was when she passed away and I have so much respect and love for her.
Looking back she says she feels sympathy for what her mother had to endure at the hands of her father.
“My birth mother was let down by police, let down by medical, let down by other family members because it was an era where everybody simply kept their mouths shut.”
As the years go by and the truth becomes easier to accept Lois admits she feels only an increasing affection for Ellen.
“When I found out the information about my conception, what has amazed me in the months and years that have followed is how much my love for my birth mother has increased.”
“Here I am, I am now at the age that she was when she passed away and I have so much respect and love for her.”
And Lois only has pride for the two women that she calls mum.
“The thing that I’m most proud of is that I’m the product of two really good mothers, it’s not a competition, birth mothers, adoptive mothers, they were both really good mothers.”
